10 Reasons to Consider Dating a Single Parent

November 8, 2012 By

It wasn’t too long ago when I was a single mom.  Let me restate that.  I was a Christian single mom.

The “Christian” moniker alone made me pickier than most gals because I wanted more than an attractive warm body with a job, I wanted an attractive warm body with a heart for Jesus and a job. 

(And yes I am OVERSIMPLIFYING on what I wanted in a man because honesty, intelligence, passion, generosity, love of family, etc… were all on my list of must-haves as well)

It’s not an easy gig being a single parent.  I went on dates every other weekend.  I didn’t sleep much and I was an extreme Starbucks addict.  In between caring for my kiddos and football and ballet and cheer and keyboard, and the million other activities my kids love, I looked for dating candidates.  I searched at lunch break via Match.com, networked at Christian singles events and on Sunday’s at church. 

I had one eye on my kids and the other eye roving for a suitable Christian male.  I searched long and hard for the good ones because quite frankly, there was a lot at stake -namely my darling munchkins.

After a few years in the dating scene, I noticed how certain guys backed off as soon as I mentioned I had kids.  Eventually, it came to the point where after I shook hands and stated my name, I blurted out my single mama status.  If a guy was going to run, it was better to have him flee after a breif meeting over coffee then waste both our time and effort on an evening out.

I met my pastor husband at church.  And even though he didn’t have kids he was willing to take a risk on a single mom and love my kids as his own.  (Thank you Jesus!)

Now happily remarried, I often hear the plight of single moms and dads who feel like they get discriminated against as a single parent. 

I know, I know…it’s lame!  I remember all too well.

So, I decided to write a series on the benefits of dating a single parent and champion our cause.

Because I think single parents are a hidden treasure! And I know there are Christian singles without kids, who with a little encouragement could change a FAMILY for good.

Yes, the kids are around ALL the time.  But these little monkeys might surprise you if you give them a chance! 

Reason 1: Depth of Life Experiences

A Single Parent Has Seen a Few Things

A single parent has navigated a far rockier terrain than the average young man or woman.  From sleepless nights, to dealing with a cranky ex, to juggling a career and kids and dating –a single parent has an easier time putting things in perspective.  If the worst thing that ever happened to a guy or gal is not getting into their “A” List law school or losing a few Z’s to wake up for the Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale,  they might also have a tendency to freak out if their significant other loses his job or some other devastating but non-life threatening occurrence.

A single parent has already been through a sizable amount of suffering and trauma.  They know what is worth crying about and what is spilled milk because their toddler does it on daily basis at meal-time.  They have a PhD in the school of hard knocks and they have learned how to survive and thrive on their own and yet still be responsible for little Jr. 

A single parent won’t waste their time on trivial matters.  They have a sharp compass and wisdom tucked away in their pocket.  They have empathy and development of character which can only be learned through trial and conflict.  A single parent has seen pain and joy and experienced life on a deeper level.

Hellen Keller said it best…”Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ”

Sounds like a good reason to consider dating a single parent!  But wait…I’ve got nine more.  Stay tuned for reason #2 in my next post.

–Samantha

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/helenkelle101340.html#exxzyKA42f1HkzD6.99

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Becoming One

November 1, 2012 By

Hi friends!  We want to invite you to a retreat we are speaking at in November up in Lake Arrowhead.

Please join us to meet new friends, laugh, and hang out with us in the nice cool mountains! (don’t we need a break from this heat?)

We are teaching on building a strong foundation for a dating relationship.

Details

Christian Singles Fall Retreat “Becoming ONE” November 9-11 (Veteran’s 3-day holiday weekend) in forest-covered mountains at Thousand Pines Christian Retreat Center.

Relax & give yourself a weekend to enjoy God’s creation!

Comedy with Retreat MC Nick Arnette
Relationship Building Activities Offered – Campfire, 3 Group Hikes, Ping Pong, Foos Ball & Pool Table Tourney, Ropes Course, Climbing Wall, Zip Line, 1 Hour Mountain Bike Tour, Paintball, Skatepark, Frisbee Golf, Lake Gregory (mile away), much more.

Awesome Teaching – Tim & Samantha Keller, Brynn Taylor Ashford, Kim Cummins Caskey, Jim Eagon, Skits & Fun Surprises.

Inspired Worship – The Jim Gray Band & Special Musical Guest Artist Jesica Specht

Don’t wait…spots are reserved for 50 MEN & 50 WOMEN at the retreat center!

Register, payments and view photos at the retreat website http://www.GodsLoveFinder.com/.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

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Breaking up is Hard to do

October 26, 2012 By

How to Break up

One of the questions we often get at our dating seminars is “how do I break up with someone who isn’t a good fit?” Many daters find themselves in relationships of convenience with no commitment and no end in sight. It’s hard to end a relationship that is comfortable, but not God’s best for a long-term commitment.

Because being alone is scary (and breaking up is hard to do) we stall and stall and wait and hope for something to change.

I (Samantha) ended one particularly bad relationship in an unconventional way.

A Different Approach?

And it’s no magic formula.

I simply prayed for God to give me a way out.

The relationship wasn’t going well. He wanted marriage and I wasn’t even sure I liked him, but I felt trapped because of some ill-advised financial intermingling. I knew God needed to intervene to get me to move on.

Within twenty-four hours of my prayer, the guy was gone thanks to a divine miracle. A misunderstanding turned into a fiasco and instead of trying to fix it, I let it rip the relationship apart –exactly what I had prayed for.

It needed to be his idea for me to recoup the money I had loaned him. (By the way…never lend money to a new boyfriend or girlfriend unless you plan on kissing it goodbye)

Sometimes having the courage to break up is the hardest part. But I believe God will give us the strength if we ask for it.

And even when we are a big wuss, like I was, God offered me an opportunity to get out. And that was all I needed.

Here are some more ways, but we still recommend starting with prayer.

Tips to end a bad relationship:

  1. Find a neutral place to meet. Do not meet at his or her home.
  2. This means you have to meet in person! Texting or calling is for Jr. High.
  3. Schedule a meeting with a friend about an hour later so you have an excuse to leave and the conversation doesn’t drag on.
  4. Repeat over and over like a broken record. “It’s just not going to work out. “
  5. Do not use blame or shame.
  6. Be empathetic but do not try to fix the pain. Walk away.
  7. Un-friend on social media after the break up.
  8. Do not kiss goodbye or be close physically.
  9. Avoid the old places you both frequented for a time.

Do you have any good advice for making a break up less painful?

Phot Credit: Dian Waskita

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Should Women Ask Men Out?

October 3, 2012 By

The cards filled up the podium –stacks of yellow flash cards with questions for the two of us.  My husband and I were speaking at a conference on love, sex and dating and we were wrapping up our session with some Q &A. 

One of the piles was larger than the rest and I realized about ten people had asked the same question. Curious, I pointed at the cards for Tim to read next.

Tim picked up the cards, flipped through them, and then read aloud, “Can a woman ask a man out?”

His deep voice boomed out into the audience and all the women in the room looked up at us in anticipation.

Tim began to share his opinion while I perched up on my stool and articulated my thoughts.

My husband recommended that if a man has indicated some interest in a woman then she can confidently suggest “you should ask me out.” 

So the woman is making her interest clear to a man and making it known she is available.

But if the guy say’s no and shows zero interest in arranging another time or place to meet, it’s time for the woman to move on.

I AGREE.

But I think this holds true for both men and women.  If a guy asks a girl out and she says no, and then he asks again and again, and she still says no, then the guy needs to move on.

We tend to take “NO” so personally but if we tweaked our model just a bit, and looked  at asking someone out (or encouraging someone to ask us out) as more of an interview process and less of an emotional minefield, it would take a great deal of the pressure off.

When you go out on more dates than less…each individual date takes on less significance making it easier to act like yourself. 

It’s the whole idea of putting all your eggs in one basket.  When it comes to first dates, spread the eggs around and try MANY baskets. 

I want to be clear here, I’m talking about FIRST DATES and doing things like taking a walk and getting an ice cream cone, or meeting at a coffee shop.  I am not referring to hooking up and being the Easter Bunny hoochie or poochie (if you are a guy).

So ladies…BE BOLD and be ENCOURAGING.

And help guys ask you out.  Maybe this isn’t as easy as directly asking them out, but it is certainly more honoring and respectful to a man.

When I was single, if I was interested in a guy I usually invited him to a group event.  If he said yes and showed up, I gauged his interest.  Usually, with a little encouragement, a guy will then make the leap to asking a woman out.

Chivalry is not dead; we simply need to re-train our men to become the hero’s they were designed to be.

What do you think?  Is it ok for women to ask men out?

–Samantha

Further reference: A great book to read is Neil Clark Warren’s Date or Soul Mate for more on the interview process.

Photo Credit: From creativejuicephotography.blogspot.com

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Counting the Cost

September 19, 2012 By

My friend Bob has an eye for beautiful women –beautiful and wounded women.

Not surprisingly, the woman he is currently dating is in the middle of a tough divorce.  Their relationship is intimate and this isn’t the first time he has found himself in this situation.

Once again, Bob finds himself racked with guilt, shame, and remorse.  Inevitably, it ends in a broken relationship with the woman feeling used and embittered.

Over and over, Bob ends up feeling distant from the God he loves and desires to serve, fully aware there is a better way to live.  I know he has seen the type of relationships he desires –one based on love and honesty where intimacy is appropriately saved until the day the wedding vows are exchanged.  And I know in the deepest part of his heart, godly intimacy and a loving marriage is what he desires.

So why does he continue to fall into the same rut every time?  Why does he put himself in this painful situation over and over?  Isn’t the reverberation of guilt and shame enough to cause him to move in a different direction?

It reminds me of the simple house fly.  Painfully, no matter how many times he smacks in to the window, he can’t get out.  And unless he finds another way, he will die on the windowsill.

I have some theories on this.

First, I don’t want to discount that patternistic disobedience can often be linked to addiction.  He may simply be a sex addict.  And he knows that he can get his sexual desires met by preying on hurting women looking for love in the aftermath of a broken relationship.  I won’t go into an in-depth analysis on addiction here, but there are some great resources for men and women dealing with sexual addiction and seeking sobriety at http://www.sa.org/.

Second, I also don’t want to overlook his broken past.  Having gone through a horrific divorce with his ex-wife, I know he has a hard time trusting women.  But clearly he can’t justify his behavior,  and he and I both know he needs to come to a place of forgiveness because the pain of resentment is destroying him.

So why doesn’t Bob get the help that he needs?  If he wants to honor God in his relationships and experience the trust and intimacy from a godly marriage, why doesn’t Bob pursue healing?  I think it’s possible it all stems from an innate, subconscious cost/benefit analysis that keeps many of us trapped in sin.

Let me lay it out for you.  My friend Bob knows he needs to kick his sexual addiction, and it will take some time.  Many Christian psychologists will tell you it takes a minimum of a year of hard work(often with multiple meetings each week).  And if he desires to gain the trust of a Godly woman, he needs to establish a track record of sexual purity.   He is going to need to put some time between his sexual promiscuity and his future dating life. Let’s say that all of this work takes about 1 ½ years.

Then, he is going to have to begin dating with the intent to find a suitable wife.  This is no easy search.  It is possible with his new mindset, the first person he dates might meet his criteria and he is off to the races.  But I have been around way too many relationships to know how unlikely this is.

Even with a plan to date with the intent to marry, it takes a lot of time to find someone suitable.  Let’s say that this search takes at least another year.  Then, if he is going to really get to know his new-found girlfriend, he will need time to build a relationship.  Because he has kids from his previous marriage, I imagine the woman he dates will probably also have kids.

I believe the best process to foster trust and prepare for all of life’s circumstances requires dating through the seasons.  And even if Bob asks her to marry him before the calendar year culminates, they are going to need to plan the wedding.  Even the most accelerated timetable requires a few months to execute.  So let’s say that from their first date to the wedding night will be between 12 and 18 months.

Now let’s do the math:

Breaking addiction, finding healing, establishing purity   1½ years
Search for a suitable partner                                           1 year
First date to marriage                                                      1 to 1½ year   
Total Time Elasped                                                         3½ to 4 years

It is my belief this simple time equation is what keeps people from pursuing God’s best for their life.

Discipline and life-change takes time, and it is hard work, and there are no shortcuts.

I am living proof that the benefit far outweighs the cost, but I can’t convince Bob of this.  He has struggled through his broken sexual relationships for eight years now.

I believe when he counts the cost of pursuing God’s will for his relational life, he believes it is just too high.

But is it?

If he would have started five years ago, his story could be so different.  He can’t imagine staying sexually pure for a month, let alone a couple of years.  So he throws in the towel and continues the pattern.  But what are his alternatives?

I wonder how long he will continue to fly into the window before he dies on the window sill.

–Tim

Photo Credit: Pinterest

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You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling…

September 13, 2012 By

As a pastor, part of my job is to give encouragement and hope to those in relational conflict.  Even though God created us as relational beings, most relationships at some point face a trial or obstacle that seems insurmountable.

I see people struggle with their dating lives, an upcoming engagement or marriage; not to mention the many difficulties that crop up with family members, friends, co-workers and classmates.

But the most common phrase I’ve heard over the years, from people hurtling towards relational demise, is some form of this: “We have fallen out of love.”

Sounds like the familiar song from Top Gun, (remember Maverick and Goose belting it out to the blonde beauty at the bar?) “You’ve lost that loving feeling, now it’s gone, gone gone…wooa wooa woah.”

But is love a feeling to be won, accidentally found or somehow lost?

A recent survey of divorce lawyers in England revealed that “falling out of love” is the number one reason marriages fail.

I have a close friend who got married soon after college. We had many long discussions about why he wanted to get married, and the simple truth was he felt she “deserved” it. She had stuck with him through some crazy times in college and they had been physically intimate for years. He wasn’t sure he wanted to get married, but felt like it would be inappropriate to dump her after she had put up with so much and given him everything, so he asked for her hand.

They did okay for a while, but their relationship was difficult at best. I’m not sure he ever had the feelings he thought he should for the woman he married. Eventually, after settling down in a home in the suburbs and having a couple of kids, my friend called me and confessed. “I think I have just fallen out of love with her,” he declared. “I just don’t feel it anymore.”

After a long discussion, I realized he was getting attention from a number of other women in his workplace, which led him down the path of questioning if he even wanted his marriage anymore.

Now I understand how it works when it comes to music or food. A song we “love” and listen to every day eventually becomes annoying and we say we don’t love it anymore.

We fall in love with the new Memphis BBQ Six Dollar Burger from Carl’s Jr. for a week or two, but when we can’t pull hard enough to clasp our belt on the last hole and we can’t get the BBQ stain out of our favorite t-shirt, we fall out of love just as quickly returning to the Lo Cal Tofu Caesar Wrap at the local health food restaurant.

But when we talk about real love, relational love, the type of love described in the Bible, it seems to me love isn’t something we “fall” into or out of.

For all the Greek scholars out there, there are a few different words for the English word love. There is a word for familial love (storge), a word for friendship or brotherly love (phileo), and another word for passionate love (eros); but the word I want to discuss is the type of love Jesus modeled for us and called us to have for one another. That word is agape, or unconditional love.

Our ability to love this way is thus initiated by God. John talks about this love in 1 John 4. He compels us to “…love (agape) one another, for love (agape) comes from God.” He goes on to say that “We love because he (God) first loved us.”

If this is true, it seems as though we are incapable of having this “agape” love unless we have received it first from God. And what this passage communicates is that true love is not a feeling at all, it is a choice. And as God chose us, we get to choose to love one another.

So when a married couple comes to me and declares they have “fallen out of love” I generally respond with this truth: they have CHOSEN to stop loving each other, and fallen out of nothing.

As a pastor, one of my duties is to officiate weddings.  During the ceremony, I often refer to the words of Paul as he describes this type of love. 1 Corinthians 13 states: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

When I read this passage, I recognize I don’t fall in or out of any of these things! The last time I was in the express lane at the grocery store and the person in front of me piled thirty-seven items on the conveyor belt with a corresponding coupon for each item, I and only I, decide how to react (or overreact).  I  can choose to churn with frustration or move towards building patience.

Patience is difficult and elusive – something we must choose if we are going to love like Jesus loved us. All of the things on this list are choices. I have never once fallen into patience, humility, generosity, kindness or honesty.

This proves to me that LOVE IS A CHOICE!

After long conversations with my friend, he recognized that if he was going to save his marriage, he was going to have to begin choosing love. And I am happy to report that he did. He stopped listening to the tempting voices of other women, recognizing they were only attracted to his status and income.

He did the math on a future separated from his wife and kids, a life of child support, visiting rights and being alone. He played out the movie in his head and shuddered at the ending he was moving towards.

Then he began to make the difficult and daily decisions of kindness, protection, humility and truthfulness. And you know what happened? His feelings followed!

It didn’t take long for the passion in his marriage to return. Before long, the marriage of my friend who CHOSE to love his wife became a marriage others wanted. It was full of fun and joy, intimacy and excitement.

Do you believe that love is a choice?

–Tim

Sources: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/aug/31/divorce-family-finances

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Drive-through Dating

August 23, 2012 By

Even though we know certain things are bad for us, many of us are a glutton for punishment. 

I, for one, have a love/hate relationship with Diet Coke.  I know it’s rotten for me, probably causing cancer and corroding my teeth sip by sip, and yet once or twice a week in a moment of weakness I drink my sweet poison and thoroughly enjoy it.

Apparently, most people date in the same fashion. 

Best Dating Practices

Psychologists and sociologists agree that courtship’s based on infatuation and physical chemistry tend to fizzle out fast, because they fail to allow the relationship to evolve at a natural pace.

On the other hand, couples who build anticipation and focus on fostering a partnership rather than accelerating it are associated with more enduring satisfaction.

But even though we know rushing a relationship is bad for us, couples often jump in the sack and drink the sweet poison of a failed relationship before they allow it to begin and flourish.

Our desire for immediate gratification is killing our relationships.

So how quickly are we jumping into relationships?  Pretty quick if you look at the research…

Dating Reality

A recent study by SeekingArrangement.com polled 100,000 people to find the average length of their romantic milestones in dating relationships.

“Participants in the new study revealed the average number of dates per week with a new partner was two, meaning that couples tend to say ‘I love you’ seven weeks into a relationship. First kisses tend to take place two dates or one week into the dating process, and the first time a couple has sex is, on average, after four dates to two weeks.”

Introducing a girlfriend or boyfriend to friends and family took members an average of six weeks, and moving in with a partner averaged out at around 30 weeks into dating.

In a culture of drive-through sex, are we surprised at skyrocketing divorce rates when we can’t even wait until the third date to hook up?

A Different Approach?

But there is another way?

What if we postponed sex to BUILD a great relationship.

Most young people don’t think purity is possible.  I get it, because I used to be a skeptic too. 

Until, I gave it a shot and by God’s grace ended up in the relationship of my dreams.

Just because you’ve already had sex or lived a life of promiscuity, doesn’t mean the next relationship can’t be different. 

–Samantha

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Maybe it’s time to try something new? 

Photo credit: Love/couple Ginnie Joubert via Pinterest

Sources:

Psychology Today.”The Colors of Love.” March/April 1993: 36.

Research Study by: Seeking Arrangement.com

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Old School Flirting

August 9, 2012 By
 

Dating Differently

Trying to date differently in a culture where sex reigns supreme is difficult to say the least, which is why we believe it’s time to consider bringing back a few of the more traditional modes of affection which seems to have disappeared with Happy Days as modern promiscuity rolled on in.

Christian dating can be immensely pleasurable if you make it less about what you are missing out on and instead focus on what you will gain. 

Here are a few goodies we think are worth revisiting!

Words of Affirmation

I’ll never forget the poetry my husband wrote me when we were dating.  The man was so smitten he burst out in smiles, song and sonnets.  But part of this verbal expression was due to the reality of holding back in the physical realm.  Because we weren’t physically intimate it forced Tim to express his love in more cerebral ways.

The Look

If the eyes are the window to our souls, then let’s pull out those peepers from behind the shades and use them to show “the one” you dig how much you like them. 

Ladies, how about batting those lovely lashes?  Gaze down demurely at your date and then look up him like a doe-eyed Bambi?  Give him the look that says, “Are you man enough to wait for this hotness?”

Guys, how about the direct look of intention, longing and desire that makes a woman weak in her knees?  Think Zoolander and then do exactly the opposite!

(When Tim and I were dating and he looked at me like this I panted…) 

Holding Hands

Why oh why has this one disappeared?  When Tim and I went on our first few dates, before the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, he would often pick up my hand and play with my fingers.  The touch of this man who I deeply desired felt like a million bolts of electricity surging through my body. 

Guys, take her hand and try caressing it.  Don’t turn into a mini hand-sex thing; just give her didgets some sweet finger cuddles.  It’s innocent and fun and with the right girl –almost as good as sex (ok, not so much but still worth trying in the interim).

Try taking a long walk, picking up her hand and communicating your affection with a love language that represents support, unity, respect and relationship.

The Nuzzle

Long before I got my first kiss, Tim would lean in and very close to my face, whisper in my ear or nuzzle my cheek.  Again, I went bananas (inside of course).  When you take away the big sex stuff, the little stuff takes on much deeper meaning. 

The First Kiss

Some Christians believe in not kissing while dating.  We don’t fall into that camp.  We believe once you are in a committed relationship moving towards marriage, kissing just might be the best way to spend an evening.  Watch some movie, kiss, more movie, kiss…

The only problem with kissing is how easily it morphs into making out and full body hugs and the next thing you know the two of you have to be pulled apart with a crow bar.  So, be cautious when kissing turns into renting a hotel room. 

Tim and I didn’t drink while we were dating because Tim knew his limits and understood he couldn’t control himself physically around me after a few glasses of wine.

We also had a self-imposed curfew and sometimes Tim just got up and ran home like Joseph.  I didn’t even know he was struggling until he called me from his car.

Remember the movie Pretty Woman?  Julia Roberts, who played a prostitute wouldn’t kiss her clients because it was too intimate of an act.  I get that.

It’s because kissing means something.  It communicates affection and tenderness or conversely greed or selfishness.  Kissing sends a million different messages.

Save your first kiss far beyond the obligatory walk to the front door at the end of the first date.  Wait a few weeks, or gasp, a month.  Make it mean something special. 

And then kiss your boyfriend and girlfriend every single day to discover if you have chemistry and connection. 

Do you have any old school methods to communicate affection without sex?

–Samantha

Photo Credit:  Source: kissssing.blogspot.com via Jesse on Pinterest

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Guys, Dating and Literotica

August 9, 2012 By
 

The Popularity of Literotica

We’re always on the lookout for new and quirky dating material.  When we stumbled upon Christian Hudson’s new book the Girlfriend Activation System, the hair on our necks prickled in revulsion.  Just for clarity, Hudson’s book is compelling to us from a social research perspective, but we are not promoting or recommending it. 

We do want to address his method for attracting women though.

Hudson’s book is based on the theory that women have a built-in “obsessive story” gene which he identified in the popularity of “literotica.”  Basically, the guy looked at how women are enthralled with books like 50 Shades of Gray and came up with a systematic plan for guys to land a girlfriend.

His plan involves conflict and romance and as far as we are concerned a huge dose of manipulation.  It reminds me of the movie “Hitch,” where Will Smith plays a dating expert and guides men into landing the woman of their dreams –only it backfires when women realize they have been played the fool.

Fake or Real?

A guy might argue women use manipulation themselves by creating a facade they never intend to maintain.  And rightly so, this reeks of striving and image management.  But whether it is men using this plan or a woman –anytime we base a dating approach based on deception it is bound to fail. 

And the failure might not even be seen in the dating realm but later sneaks up in marriage (and then divorce). 

The biggest problem with Hudson’s theory goes much deeper than the surface.  Hudson’s strategy just might work if a guy is willing (and financially able)to meet a woman’s innate need for rescuing, but the problem is that only God can ever truly meet these needs for a woman long-term. 

Playing God?

And when a guy tries to play God to land a hot chick he is meandering onto a minefield.

Guys, do you really want to have to try to be the end-all and be-all to a woman for the rest of your life?  Wouldn’t you rather allow God to be her savior and simply be yourself –a real man, imperfect and flawed but loved for yourself and not some fake image you have created.

Romance is great when it’s genuine and motivated by the heart.  But once a woman has been lavished with attention…good luck in backing off.  It sounds like a recipe for one bitter wife.

High Expectations usually make for one big dissapointment. 

Christian Dating Needs to be Different

Women do have a need to be rescued.  God put it there to draw women to himself.  He didn’t put it there for a guy to step into that role.

We think there should be an addendum chapter to his book –How to tell your new wife who you really are, now that you have duped her into marriage with your pseudo James Bond.

What do you think? 

 

Photo Credit:  Source: google.com via Jacy on Pinterest

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Duped Dating? Waiting and Waiting and Waiting for Marriage

June 27, 2012 By

Postponing Marriage

We have a thirteen-year old son.  Imagine if we sat down with him and told him he probably wouldn’t get married until he was at least thirty years old (or older according to the world’s standards of success) and because he is a good Christian boy we fully expect him to postpone his sexual desires for the next seventeen plus years. 

Now our son who is entering his freshman year in high school is already highly attracted to the ladies, so to get him to buy into this preposterous idea of postponing his sexual desire for seventeen years is absurd. He would more than likely laugh in our face or maybe behind a closed door just to be respectful.

Do We Really Have to Have Life all Figured Out?

But this is the reality of what we are asking Christian singles to do every day.  The world tells us to wait and postpone marriage until we have our college loans paid off, money in the bank, an illustrious career and a home complete with a large mortgage.  But how many young people out of college are in this situation?  None!  And so we wait, and wait and wait some more until we wake up one day and realize we aren’t getting any younger, all the good ones are gone, and we have still yet to achieve the elusive dream of getting our act together.

The result is a generation of single Christians left frustrated by their uncontrollable sexual appetites and inability to control their impulses who feel like somehow they missed out on something good along the way. 

Denying Our Sexual Nature

Martin Luther in his 16th century Estate of Marriage identified this very dilemma of denying or postponing our sexual nature as he witnessed how young men and women attempting to make a celibate vow for the purpose of following Jesus fell into uncontrollable secret sins. 

“For this word which God speaks, “Be fruitful and multiply,” is not a command. It is more than a command, namely, a divine ordinance which it is not our prerogative to hinder or ignore. Rather, it is just as necessary as the fact that I am a man, and more necessary than sleeping and waking, eating and drinking, and emptying the bowels and bladder. It is a nature and disposition just as innate as the organs involved in it.  Therefore, just as God does not command anyone to be a man or a woman but creates them the way they have to be, so he does not command them to multiply but creates them so that they have to multiply. And wherever men try to resist this, it remains irresistible nonetheless and goes its way through fornication, adultery, and secret sins, for this is a matter of nature and not of choice.”

We aren’t saying it’s impossible to wait until middle age and remain sexually pure –in fact we have a dear friend who made it until the ripe age of forty-two and maintained his virginity until he shared his bed with his beloved bride, but he is far more of an anomaly than the norm for Christians who struggle daily with the temptation of masturbation, pornography and addiction to romance novels.

What if we were actually designed to marry young?  What if we didn’t have to have life all figured out before marriage?  What if we had a partner and best friend to help us navigate the often treacherous roads of life?
 
–Tim

Photo: Dark Lady via Lemon on Pinterest

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