Archives for April 2013

Dating Tips -Single Parent Plus 4

April 26, 2013 By

single-parents

“I’ve decided not to tell the men I date that I have kids. What do you think about that?”

My husband and I were wrapping up a teaching series on love, sex and dating at a local Christian singles group when the woman approached me with her question. 

My mouth dropped open in shock.  “How many kids do you have?”

“Four,” the woman replied.  “But I make a lot of money and I can keep the kids in a separate residence if I have too.”

I shook my head back and forth (and tried to hide the vomit curling in my throat).  “Listen, I’m not sure you want to hear what I have to say about this, but here I go…”

DO NOT HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE KIDS

Never conceal your family from someone.  Children are not a fun surprise in an established relationship.  It’s pure deception if you choose not to tell this to a potential date.  And dishonesty is no way to build a solid relationship.

If a guy or gal is turned off by kids then move on.  It only takes one person –the right person who adores you AND your kids.

You are a package deal not à la carte!

Now, if your kids are so difficult they scare all potential suitors away, it might be time for an honest parenting assessment.  Maybe your kids need you more now then you need to date.  I know that’s hard to hear, but it might be true.

There are some seasons where your kids might need to be the priority and dating needs to take a backseat until your family is back on track.  Seek counseling.  Find healing. Get in a support group.  You only have one shot with your kids and divorce is devastating to them.  Do not minimize their hurt or be so self-absorbed you put your desires above theirs.

I shared this all with the woman and she squinted her eyes at me and looked mad (probably because I didn’t agree with her twisted scheming). “I think my way is the best,” she mumbled and stomped off. 

I felt sorry for next poor man sucked into her web of deception.  I also felt sorry for her kids. 

There is HOPE

Single parents looking for love are tasked with a far greater responsibility than most –but the right person will treasure you even more because you are a loving and genuine parent.

Be proud of the blessings God gave you choose to steward their hearts (and yours) well.

 

Photo Source: sydniewells.wordpress.com

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Red Balloons, A Bad First Date, and Just Saying No

April 11, 2013 By

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I remember the day I met Tad from Match.com at a sushi place for a first date.  (I totally changed the dude’s name for obvious reasons here). 

Tad and I had little in common, other than a love of sushi –in fact he seemed a bit depressed –as if life had sucked the air out of his red balloon.

We talked through dinner, or mostly I talked as he had little to say, and somehow we made it through a whole evening of awkward.

I thought the pain was over.

But Tad liked my balloon.  Let me rephrase that –he liked my energy and passion for God.  Who knows…maybe my high spirits lifted his out of the doldrums?  And so he called me again and again.

And about a week and a half later, when I was on vacation in the wilderness and eating bugs for dinner, Tad mentioned via text he wanted to take me out on his yacht –so I decided to give him a second chance. 

I know how lame that sounds.  I was materialistic –yep.  Guilty.  I fess up.  And even worse, I was SELFISH. 

I never intended to get serious with Tad, in fact I thought he was BORING.  But I moved into a relationship with him and dated him for three whole months –for no reason beyond “I didn’t have anything better” going on at the time.

Not only did I use him (although I imagine it was mutual), I also wasted both our time and energy and his resources.

And that’s the problem with dating without direction –we USE people.

We date aimlessly and spend time with people we never intend to marry.

It begs the question of “why we date?”  The truth is I wanted to be married.  I was looking for a good match and a Godly man, so why did I lock myself up in relational purgatory and take myself off the market?

Was it worth the rides in Tad’s Porsche? Was the loss of my valuable time in the dating realm equal to the painful conversations I had to carry because we had nothing in common? 

NO, NO and a thousand NO’s.  It certainly wasn’t worth the months Tad spent in therapy trying to become the person he thought I wanted him to be -long after the relationship was over.

Reason 187 is this…Don’t Date Someone You Can’t See Marrying.

That doesn’t mean don’t go out on first date or even a second.  Go out and meet lots of different people.  But end it the second you know it won’t work.  And we know pretty quick don’t we?  If you avoid their calls by day 2, that’s a good sign the relationship is going nowhere.

JUST SAY “NO –I don’t want to go out with you again.”

It’s that easy.

It won’t get better on the fourth date.  Sex won’t make it better.  And no matter how hot she is or how much money he has it’s not enough to build a relationship on.

 What do you think about dating someone you can’t see marrying? 

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Hookups Leaving Many Young People Unfufilled

April 4, 2013 By

Rain.jpg

Walking into the gym, I glanced over at the Today Show and noticed the topic –Postmodern Dating.  Of course, I immediately dropped my workout gear and ran to the sofa to hear what they had to say.

The interview was with Donna Freitas, author of “The End of Sex –How a Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy.”

Donna delves into the life of college students and examines how in the current, feverish sexual climate where the hookup is all important, an entire generation has become completely adrift from the concepts of meaningful, emotional intimacy.

Freitas interviewed hundreds of young people to determine not only what defines a “hookup” but also what was taken from the experience –both in positive and negative terms.

What she discovered was a group of young people disillusioned by a social practice that leaves little room for more traditional dating.  She found many women and men who wanted to disengage from the casual hookup but lacked the essential tools to date and foster true intimacy. 

Dead End Hookups

And here is where I believe she hit pay dirt.  Our culture –both Christians and non-believers do not know how to establish healthy relationship and so hookups SEEM like the only entry way into a dating relationship.  But unfortunately, by introducing sex so quickly and making it meaningless, we have removed the ability to truly know each other and create lasting intimacy; as well as overlooked the necessary investment of time and trust to build a solid relationship.

Singles, young and old alike are floundering in the dating realm and they don’t understand why it’s so disheartening. 

Hooking up is not getting us what we want. 

Freitas found that many young people yearn to go out a real date and be honored with intentional pursuit but they believe they are the only ones out there who feel this way. 

But there is another way…

Try Dating With Purpose

Treat your “date” like your neighbor.  Few people would ever go next door and rip out their neighbor’s trees and drive their car on the lawn.  And yet, our hookups do exactly this with people’s hearts.

We use hookups as a conquest instead of an opportunity to care for others.  We avoid any responsibility the day after.  As soon as sex is exchanged, we flee instead of growing closer.  We rip apart our souls over and over and then can’t understand why it’s difficult to connect with people. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Cor. 13:4-7

When was the last time your hookup encapsulated any one of these loving acts?

Isn’t it time we thought about dating differently?

–Samantha

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