The Male Happy-o-Meter

January 2, 2013 By

One thing I have learned about men –they like their women happy. In fact, to some degree they feel personally responsible for making their girlfriends and wives happy.

It’s a guy thing.

When a romance is new and shiny a guy will go to great lengths to please his woman. He will talk and cuddle and buy her things. When she is happy he is happy.

And since women love to chat, the man will listen. But here is where it gets tricky and women often shoot themselves in the foot.

All too often we OVER COMMUNICATE.

Telling Him EVERYTHING is No Bueno

A woman feels so good after she verbally vomits all her emotions.

Chicks call it dumping. We dump our frustrations out on our besty and then she dumps in return and we listen and sigh and hug and feel soooo connected.

But when we do it with our men it backfires. A guy wants to fix and please and make his woman happy, but if the dumping is negative (and when is dumping ever positive?) the gal moves on feeling significantly better, but the man is left to sort out and process all her toxic emotions.

For every bundle of negativity a woman unloads, a man gets knocked down off of his happy horse. (Because guys take responsibility for their woman’s happiness, remember?).

When a woman criticizes a man or complains about something that might even have nothing to do with him, he feels responsible.

SSSHHH!!!

The Bible puts it this way, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” Prov. 10:19 NLV

Understanding that women and men are designed differently will go a long way towards fostering peace in a relationship. Women need to be self-aware of their tendency to over-share and take their burdens to other women whom they can (safely) vent their emotions to, saving the truly fixable needs for their men.

The wise woman holds back her constructive criticism and is simply grateful for what her man actually does –thus upping his happy-o-meter and ultimately her own.

(Oh boy, do I sometimes get this wrong but I continue to repent after I blunder and try, try, try again…)

How to crank up the Happy-o-Meter

If my husband thinks I am happy then he is happy and free to go out and conquer the world, secure that his own little kingdom is running smoothly.

It gives a man great confidence to have a happy girlfriend or wife and that confidence will enable him operate at his full potential–thus blessing the very woman who helped him succeed–namely the woman.

And if a woman really needs to talk –giving her guy a warning with a “please could you just give me your ear for five minutes and I don’t need a solution” is highly recommended.

–Samantha

Do you agree or disagree?

Photo Source: bit.ly via Judith on Pinterest

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8 Ways to HoliDATE

December 5, 2012 By
 

What if you could take a second look at the holidays this year, refocus the crank-o-meter and adjust your lenses to a merry red glow. 

Instead of entering this Christmas by chalking off another year alone or as stressful season filled with family obligations and work parties, what if you saw this season as a once in a lifetime opportunity?

An opportunity for new dates and relationships…

Why Holidate?

The holidays usher in party after party –parties just waiting for you to meet and greet someone unfamiliar (in a good way) and intriguing. 

Christmas parties are also generally filled with happy people in a warm and benevolent moods thanks to bonus checks, sugar cookies and eggnog. (Just avoid the red-flag folks who camp near the eggnog)

So what are you waiting for?

8 Ways to Maximize the Holidays and Find New Dates

  1. Volunteer to take your niece or nephew (or any kids you can wrangle up) to meet Santa.  You never know who might be standing in line?  Strike up a conversation.
  2. Attend a Christmas tree lighting with a friend and put a big smile on your face. Wear an elf hat.
  3. Volunteer to serve families in need in the community.
  4. Buy a cute Christmas outfit and see just how many parties you can wear it to.  Guys –rock your charisma (women love a man with confidence) and Ladies -smile, throw back those shoulders and sparkle like the jewel you are!
  5. Ask friends about friend’s holiday gatherings and tag along.  Cousin Joe might be a hottie!
  6. Join a holiday run or 5k.  Wear a Santa hat.
  7. Volunteer to wrap Christmas presents at a bookstore. Introduce yourself to someone.
  8. Grab some friends and go caroling.  Just wait and see who opens the door.

Anything can happen under the Mistletoe if you get out and meet this season with a generous and positive attitude!

Source: myvintagemending.blogspot.com via Simply on Pinterest

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The Gap Between Marriage and Men

November 28, 2012 By

 

It’s not a big surprise.  We’ve all seen the signs.  The gap between men and women’s belief about marriage is widening at an alarming rate.

A recent study by Pew Research Center revealed the amount of women ages eighteen to thirty-four who say having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives rose nine percentage points since 1997 – from 28 percent to 37 percent. For men, the opposite occurred. The share voicing this opinion dropped, from 35 percent to 29 percent.

Here’s the facts…Women want to get married.  Men don’t.

Even in the church.

When I delve into the guys heads to understand their perspetive…here is what I’ve discovered.  Men are frustrated with women but they can’t articulate why.

And it holds them back from asking them out and moving towards marriage.

It’s this unseen intangible that’s very real and it creates distance between men and women.

This is what I hear men say…

“The women around here want to see your W-2 before they even consider going on a date with you.”

“Women are angry and bitter.”

“If a girl never gets asked out there is often something else to that, as hard as it is for me to even type that. I don’t want to type it. I just feel like it’s true.”

“Women will have sex outside of marriage (or even a relationship) so why bother?”

“If a woman can take care of herself so well, why does she even need a guy?”

“I have asked out multiple girls who have said “yes”, only to play dozens of tricks with setting the date, rescheduling, cancelling, going silent, saying yes when they mean no, going unresponsive on the day, and overall flakiness.”

A friend sent me an article the other day –The War on Men and I wanted to add it to the conversation.  The writer suggests this unseen gap or ‘X factor” is due to the feminist movement.

 “Contrary to what feminists like Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men, say, the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.
 
It’s all so unfortunate – for women, not men. Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.
 
It’s the women who lose. Not only are they saddled with the consequences of sex, by dismissing male nature they’re forever seeking a balanced life. The fact is, women need men’s linear career goals – they need men to pick up the slack at the office – in order to live the balanced life they seek.
 
So if men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation.”
 

So what do you think?  Is feminism creating a big dark hole of resentment between men and women?

Are women shooting themselves in the foot by becoming equal with men only to lose relationship with them?

Guys…does this resonate with you?

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Knows the Playbook -Reason #3 to Date a Single Parent

November 16, 2012 By

Reason 3: They Know the Marriage Playbook

A Single Parent knows what it takes to be married

A single mom or dad knows marriage is hard work.  They understand there is give and take and even if they were the reason the marriage ended, they will probably have a good idea where they went wrong.

I (Samantha) was a single mom.  After my divorce, I read every book on marriage I could get my hands on.  I went to counseling, seminars, and divorce recovery. I dragged my kids to single parent retreats.  We hung out at Monday Night Solutions and gosh, dang, darn it…we got healthy!

Many times a single parent will do the hard work to develop emotional strength, strong boundaries and health.  They don’t want to make the same mistakes again and they are willing to go the distance to make sure the next relationship is a keeper.

I see this play out now in my relationship with my husband Tim.  In my previous marriage, I was used to being coddled.  After being alone with two kids (and financially struggling) I learned to grow up and wear the big girl pants.  Before, I would often hold a grudge too long and play the wounded victim for days.  Now,  I tend to move on and am much quicker to apologize.  I take more responsibility for my actions and don’t sweat the small stuff. 

Single parents go the extra mile and bury their innate selfishness, knowing certain small efforts will go a long way in making a relationship last.  

I know I try harder the second time around…in all areas.

I learned all these valuable marriage tools simply by screwing them up the first time.  I don’t recommend divorce, but I certainly learned what not to do!  My second marriage is much richer because of the lessons learned through real and gritty experience.

Photo credit: pinmarklet

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10 Reasons to Date a Single Parent -Reason #2

November 12, 2012 By

Reason 2: Lower Expectations

She Knows Prince Charming is a Fairy Tale

A single mom is not as high maintenance as a woman still struggling with the princess syndrome.  She’s already worn the dress, taken a ride in the carriage that turned back into a pumpkin and lost her silver slipper.  She doesn’t want the illusion of a Prince Charming; she wants a real man who though imperfect is willing to give her his all.

Single moms play fewer games.  If she doesn’t like you she will tell you.  If she’s into money, she’ll let you know right off the bat.  When a woman only has every other weekend to date, she has to be efficient and get to the point.  She is done messing around.

According to AskMen.com, “The advantage to the single mother is that she has been through the game and is confident of her relationship needs.  Most men who need a translator to decipher female code can appreciate this: you may not need one with a single mother because she does not have the time or energy to be playful or mysterious. She will tell you upfront what she expects and wants from you.”

A single mom doesn’t care if you have all your hair.  She wants to know if your few strands of hair will be will around in ten years.  She seeks stability, honesty, and most importantly integrity.  Inner qualities become far more important to a woman with children than a flashy car or a big bank account. 

A single mom seeks less image management and more authentic character. 

Now let’s consider the guys.  A single dad knows CHARACTER matters.  He’s realized beauty fades but ugly goes all the way to the bone.  He’s learned the attributes of stability, honesty and integrity matter.  He understands a good woman is a true treasure and this time around he will search for the pearls not just the flashy gems. 

For Reason #1: Depth of Life Experiences

–Samantha and Tim

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10 Reasons to Consider Dating a Single Parent

November 8, 2012 By

It wasn’t too long ago when I was a single mom.  Let me restate that.  I was a Christian single mom.

The “Christian” moniker alone made me pickier than most gals because I wanted more than an attractive warm body with a job, I wanted an attractive warm body with a heart for Jesus and a job. 

(And yes I am OVERSIMPLIFYING on what I wanted in a man because honesty, intelligence, passion, generosity, love of family, etc… were all on my list of must-haves as well)

It’s not an easy gig being a single parent.  I went on dates every other weekend.  I didn’t sleep much and I was an extreme Starbucks addict.  In between caring for my kiddos and football and ballet and cheer and keyboard, and the million other activities my kids love, I looked for dating candidates.  I searched at lunch break via Match.com, networked at Christian singles events and on Sunday’s at church. 

I had one eye on my kids and the other eye roving for a suitable Christian male.  I searched long and hard for the good ones because quite frankly, there was a lot at stake -namely my darling munchkins.

After a few years in the dating scene, I noticed how certain guys backed off as soon as I mentioned I had kids.  Eventually, it came to the point where after I shook hands and stated my name, I blurted out my single mama status.  If a guy was going to run, it was better to have him flee after a breif meeting over coffee then waste both our time and effort on an evening out.

I met my pastor husband at church.  And even though he didn’t have kids he was willing to take a risk on a single mom and love my kids as his own.  (Thank you Jesus!)

Now happily remarried, I often hear the plight of single moms and dads who feel like they get discriminated against as a single parent. 

I know, I know…it’s lame!  I remember all too well.

So, I decided to write a series on the benefits of dating a single parent and champion our cause.

Because I think single parents are a hidden treasure! And I know there are Christian singles without kids, who with a little encouragement could change a FAMILY for good.

Yes, the kids are around ALL the time.  But these little monkeys might surprise you if you give them a chance! 

Reason 1: Depth of Life Experiences

A Single Parent Has Seen a Few Things

A single parent has navigated a far rockier terrain than the average young man or woman.  From sleepless nights, to dealing with a cranky ex, to juggling a career and kids and dating –a single parent has an easier time putting things in perspective.  If the worst thing that ever happened to a guy or gal is not getting into their “A” List law school or losing a few Z’s to wake up for the Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale,  they might also have a tendency to freak out if their significant other loses his job or some other devastating but non-life threatening occurrence.

A single parent has already been through a sizable amount of suffering and trauma.  They know what is worth crying about and what is spilled milk because their toddler does it on daily basis at meal-time.  They have a PhD in the school of hard knocks and they have learned how to survive and thrive on their own and yet still be responsible for little Jr. 

A single parent won’t waste their time on trivial matters.  They have a sharp compass and wisdom tucked away in their pocket.  They have empathy and development of character which can only be learned through trial and conflict.  A single parent has seen pain and joy and experienced life on a deeper level.

Hellen Keller said it best…”Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ”

Sounds like a good reason to consider dating a single parent!  But wait…I’ve got nine more.  Stay tuned for reason #2 in my next post.

–Samantha

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/helenkelle101340.html#exxzyKA42f1HkzD6.99

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Becoming One

November 1, 2012 By

Hi friends!  We want to invite you to a retreat we are speaking at in November up in Lake Arrowhead.

Please join us to meet new friends, laugh, and hang out with us in the nice cool mountains! (don’t we need a break from this heat?)

We are teaching on building a strong foundation for a dating relationship.

Details

Christian Singles Fall Retreat “Becoming ONE” November 9-11 (Veteran’s 3-day holiday weekend) in forest-covered mountains at Thousand Pines Christian Retreat Center.

Relax & give yourself a weekend to enjoy God’s creation!

Comedy with Retreat MC Nick Arnette
Relationship Building Activities Offered – Campfire, 3 Group Hikes, Ping Pong, Foos Ball & Pool Table Tourney, Ropes Course, Climbing Wall, Zip Line, 1 Hour Mountain Bike Tour, Paintball, Skatepark, Frisbee Golf, Lake Gregory (mile away), much more.

Awesome Teaching – Tim & Samantha Keller, Brynn Taylor Ashford, Kim Cummins Caskey, Jim Eagon, Skits & Fun Surprises.

Inspired Worship – The Jim Gray Band & Special Musical Guest Artist Jesica Specht

Don’t wait…spots are reserved for 50 MEN & 50 WOMEN at the retreat center!

Register, payments and view photos at the retreat website http://www.GodsLoveFinder.com/.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

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Breaking up is Hard to do

October 26, 2012 By

How to Break up

One of the questions we often get at our dating seminars is “how do I break up with someone who isn’t a good fit?” Many daters find themselves in relationships of convenience with no commitment and no end in sight. It’s hard to end a relationship that is comfortable, but not God’s best for a long-term commitment.

Because being alone is scary (and breaking up is hard to do) we stall and stall and wait and hope for something to change.

I (Samantha) ended one particularly bad relationship in an unconventional way.

A Different Approach?

And it’s no magic formula.

I simply prayed for God to give me a way out.

The relationship wasn’t going well. He wanted marriage and I wasn’t even sure I liked him, but I felt trapped because of some ill-advised financial intermingling. I knew God needed to intervene to get me to move on.

Within twenty-four hours of my prayer, the guy was gone thanks to a divine miracle. A misunderstanding turned into a fiasco and instead of trying to fix it, I let it rip the relationship apart –exactly what I had prayed for.

It needed to be his idea for me to recoup the money I had loaned him. (By the way…never lend money to a new boyfriend or girlfriend unless you plan on kissing it goodbye)

Sometimes having the courage to break up is the hardest part. But I believe God will give us the strength if we ask for it.

And even when we are a big wuss, like I was, God offered me an opportunity to get out. And that was all I needed.

Here are some more ways, but we still recommend starting with prayer.

Tips to end a bad relationship:

  1. Find a neutral place to meet. Do not meet at his or her home.
  2. This means you have to meet in person! Texting or calling is for Jr. High.
  3. Schedule a meeting with a friend about an hour later so you have an excuse to leave and the conversation doesn’t drag on.
  4. Repeat over and over like a broken record. “It’s just not going to work out. “
  5. Do not use blame or shame.
  6. Be empathetic but do not try to fix the pain. Walk away.
  7. Un-friend on social media after the break up.
  8. Do not kiss goodbye or be close physically.
  9. Avoid the old places you both frequented for a time.

Do you have any good advice for making a break up less painful?

Phot Credit: Dian Waskita

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Gift-Giving in a New Relationship

October 19, 2012 By

Our son Kyle creatively asking a girl to Homecoming!

I’ll never forget buying my first boyfriend a gift for Christmas.  I agonized over each hint the young man dropped and mulled on all his interests.   I finally settled on an expensive cologne I knew he desired and hoped he would love it. 

He did…

Whew!  I was sixteen years old and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders if I got the gift wrong. 

Did you know the #1 search internet search engine term during the holidays is “Best Boyfriend Gift” and “Great Gift for a Girlfriend?”  Apparently, I’m not the only one who struggles.

Why is picking a gift so painful?

The truth is a gift reflects the state of our heart and the value we place on the relationship.  Now I’m not talking about spending an inordinate amount of money to impress someone, although that will certainly send a message, but with a gift –it really is the thought that counts.

When Tim and I started dating, Valentine’s Day crept up fast.  We had only been dating about four weeks.  The relationship was new and fragile at best.  I knew Tim wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend but I was stalling him (as women often do) until I worked out a few issues in my heart (mainly –getting serious with a pastor).

But Valentine’s Day was THE turning point.  Tim exceeded all my expectations.  His GIFT literally turned my head.

A Thoughtful Gift Speaks Volumes

I will never forget the day.

My little daughter Faith opened the front door to fetch the newspaper around 6:00a.m. Valentine’s morn and she started squealing with delight.  My son and I ran to the door and discovered a bounty of Valentine’s love.

There were chocolate kisses and rose petals sprinkled all over the door stoop.  A three-foot hand-drawn card drew my attention depicting Tim and I holding hands with a note asking “Will you be my Valentine?”  A glass vase burst forth with a bouquet of vibrant red roses and a giant chocolate kiss accompanied it.  But the best part of all the treats was the multitude of cut-out hearts with affirmations sprinkled across my door mat.

They read, “#1 Mom,” “Beautiful Smile, and “Clever”…and so forth. 

I was overwhelmed by his solicitous attention and lavish love.  He called me shortly afterwards, playing dumb and invited me to a nice restaurant for dinner. Of course I said YES!

Well done Tim Keller!

At around 4:00pm, another man pursuing me sent me a text saying, “Happy Heart Day.”  That was it –a crappy text message.  Really? 

It couldn’t be clearer.  I knew who the man was worth keeping.  And to this day Tim continues to surprise and astonish me with his love and thoughtfulness.

The Best Gift in a New Dating Relationship

As Tim showed, it wasn’t the amount of money he dropped on a present, although roses and chocolate aren’t cheap, but it was clearly the time and energy he invested in making the card and affirmations, and then schlepping it all over to my house in the middle of the night.

His effort was priceless.

A great gift is a thoughtful gift.  It’s a gift that surprises and makes someone feel special.  It’s a gift that honors.  One of Tim’s favorite gifts was a blog post I wrote for him on his birthday called “10 Reasons to Celebrate Tim Keller on His 41st Birthday.”  It certainly wasn’t pricy but it did take some concentrated time and effort on my part to pull it together.  Tim felt respected in front of all his friends and that was big win for me.

So as Christmas approaches and you wonder what the heck to get the great person you just started dating, remember to think OUTSIDE the box.  Pray about it.  Talk with friends and unleash your creative spirit. 

Your extra-thoughtful gift this year just might be the turning point to start a lasting relationship.

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Help for the Broken Dating Picker

October 15, 2012 By

A Dating Epiphany

I’ll never forget the moment I saw Date or Soul Mate by Neil Clark Warren on Tim’s bookshelf. I whipped my head around and asked him, “Do you have a top 10 list?”

Tim glanced up from his coffee and smiled, “Yes, actually I do.”

“Ok, I am going to drive home and get my list and then I will call you and we are going to read them to each other on the phone,” I instructed as I hustled out the door.

The Top 10 List

The “Top 10 List” is a list of MUST Haves and CAN’T stands every dater would be wise to make to know exactly who and what they are looking for in a relationship.

Warren’s book describes a simple method of making a list of the crucial qualities desired in a mate and conversely, another list of undesirable characteristics.

By having both in hand, it’s easier to find out if the person you are dating is worth keeping around. In fact, you can usually do it in just a couple of dates.

Personally, it forced me to stop holding on to guys who met most but not all of my requirements.

Ladies…this means if he’s rich but RUDE, drop the jackwaggon! And guys, no matter how HOT she is…if she’s stupid or self-absorbed or bad with money, let her go! (I mean it guys!)

Fixing a Broken Dating Picker

Personally, I was the girl who kept compromising in the spiritual area. I really wanted a man who would lead me and be as passionate for Christ as I was but I didn’t meet many men who fit this scenario. After an endless parade of men who went to church with me but couldn’t talk about my favorite topics –theology and spirituality, I had to decide if “loving God” was a deal-breaker or a negotiable.

My heart said NON-negotiable. So when I finally stopped dating the type of guys who didn’t match up in this area it was easier to find what I was looking for.

Now, Tim and I had dated about six weeks by the time I found the dating book on his shelf and we were already falling head over heels for each other. I prayed earnestly all the way home that he met ALL of the qualities on my list. But I was ready to let him go if there were any red flags.

(Clearly, as a pastor I already knew he loved God, but I didn’t know if he had the rest of my list nailed down yet.)

About twenty minutes later I pulled into the driveway of my condo, ran to my overstuffed bookshelf, found my journal and opened my Top 10 list. I reached for the phone and dialed him.

Must Haves and Can’t Stands

It turned out my top three MUST HAVES were identical to Tim’s.

  1. Love God with all your heart
  2. Desire to be physically active
  3. Understand my call to ministry

Our lists matched up perfectly!

Boy was I was relieved that wealth wasn’t a MUST HAVE on my list and Tim hadn’t included kids as a deal-breaker on his.

I have to believe God knew exactly what he was doing when he paired the two of us up together.

But I also know that I needed to get to a point where I knew exactly what I wanted and just as importantly –what I didn’t want, before I could see what a true catch Tim was to me.

Have you made a TOP 10 list yet?

–Samantha

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