Breaking up is Hard to do

October 26, 2012 By

How to Break up

One of the questions we often get at our dating seminars is “how do I break up with someone who isn’t a good fit?” Many daters find themselves in relationships of convenience with no commitment and no end in sight. It’s hard to end a relationship that is comfortable, but not God’s best for a long-term commitment.

Because being alone is scary (and breaking up is hard to do) we stall and stall and wait and hope for something to change.

I (Samantha) ended one particularly bad relationship in an unconventional way.

A Different Approach?

And it’s no magic formula.

I simply prayed for God to give me a way out.

The relationship wasn’t going well. He wanted marriage and I wasn’t even sure I liked him, but I felt trapped because of some ill-advised financial intermingling. I knew God needed to intervene to get me to move on.

Within twenty-four hours of my prayer, the guy was gone thanks to a divine miracle. A misunderstanding turned into a fiasco and instead of trying to fix it, I let it rip the relationship apart –exactly what I had prayed for.

It needed to be his idea for me to recoup the money I had loaned him. (By the way…never lend money to a new boyfriend or girlfriend unless you plan on kissing it goodbye)

Sometimes having the courage to break up is the hardest part. But I believe God will give us the strength if we ask for it.

And even when we are a big wuss, like I was, God offered me an opportunity to get out. And that was all I needed.

Here are some more ways, but we still recommend starting with prayer.

Tips to end a bad relationship:

  1. Find a neutral place to meet. Do not meet at his or her home.
  2. This means you have to meet in person! Texting or calling is for Jr. High.
  3. Schedule a meeting with a friend about an hour later so you have an excuse to leave and the conversation doesn’t drag on.
  4. Repeat over and over like a broken record. “It’s just not going to work out. “
  5. Do not use blame or shame.
  6. Be empathetic but do not try to fix the pain. Walk away.
  7. Un-friend on social media after the break up.
  8. Do not kiss goodbye or be close physically.
  9. Avoid the old places you both frequented for a time.

Do you have any good advice for making a break up less painful?

Phot Credit: Dian Waskita

Filed Under: Dating Tagged With: , , , , ,

Gift-Giving in a New Relationship

October 19, 2012 By

Our son Kyle creatively asking a girl to Homecoming!

I’ll never forget buying my first boyfriend a gift for Christmas.  I agonized over each hint the young man dropped and mulled on all his interests.   I finally settled on an expensive cologne I knew he desired and hoped he would love it. 

He did…

Whew!  I was sixteen years old and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders if I got the gift wrong. 

Did you know the #1 search internet search engine term during the holidays is “Best Boyfriend Gift” and “Great Gift for a Girlfriend?”  Apparently, I’m not the only one who struggles.

Why is picking a gift so painful?

The truth is a gift reflects the state of our heart and the value we place on the relationship.  Now I’m not talking about spending an inordinate amount of money to impress someone, although that will certainly send a message, but with a gift –it really is the thought that counts.

When Tim and I started dating, Valentine’s Day crept up fast.  We had only been dating about four weeks.  The relationship was new and fragile at best.  I knew Tim wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend but I was stalling him (as women often do) until I worked out a few issues in my heart (mainly –getting serious with a pastor).

But Valentine’s Day was THE turning point.  Tim exceeded all my expectations.  His GIFT literally turned my head.

A Thoughtful Gift Speaks Volumes

I will never forget the day.

My little daughter Faith opened the front door to fetch the newspaper around 6:00a.m. Valentine’s morn and she started squealing with delight.  My son and I ran to the door and discovered a bounty of Valentine’s love.

There were chocolate kisses and rose petals sprinkled all over the door stoop.  A three-foot hand-drawn card drew my attention depicting Tim and I holding hands with a note asking “Will you be my Valentine?”  A glass vase burst forth with a bouquet of vibrant red roses and a giant chocolate kiss accompanied it.  But the best part of all the treats was the multitude of cut-out hearts with affirmations sprinkled across my door mat.

They read, “#1 Mom,” “Beautiful Smile, and “Clever”…and so forth. 

I was overwhelmed by his solicitous attention and lavish love.  He called me shortly afterwards, playing dumb and invited me to a nice restaurant for dinner. Of course I said YES!

Well done Tim Keller!

At around 4:00pm, another man pursuing me sent me a text saying, “Happy Heart Day.”  That was it –a crappy text message.  Really? 

It couldn’t be clearer.  I knew who the man was worth keeping.  And to this day Tim continues to surprise and astonish me with his love and thoughtfulness.

The Best Gift in a New Dating Relationship

As Tim showed, it wasn’t the amount of money he dropped on a present, although roses and chocolate aren’t cheap, but it was clearly the time and energy he invested in making the card and affirmations, and then schlepping it all over to my house in the middle of the night.

His effort was priceless.

A great gift is a thoughtful gift.  It’s a gift that surprises and makes someone feel special.  It’s a gift that honors.  One of Tim’s favorite gifts was a blog post I wrote for him on his birthday called “10 Reasons to Celebrate Tim Keller on His 41st Birthday.”  It certainly wasn’t pricy but it did take some concentrated time and effort on my part to pull it together.  Tim felt respected in front of all his friends and that was big win for me.

So as Christmas approaches and you wonder what the heck to get the great person you just started dating, remember to think OUTSIDE the box.  Pray about it.  Talk with friends and unleash your creative spirit. 

Your extra-thoughtful gift this year just might be the turning point to start a lasting relationship.

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Should Women Ask Men Out?

October 3, 2012 By

The cards filled up the podium –stacks of yellow flash cards with questions for the two of us.  My husband and I were speaking at a conference on love, sex and dating and we were wrapping up our session with some Q &A. 

One of the piles was larger than the rest and I realized about ten people had asked the same question. Curious, I pointed at the cards for Tim to read next.

Tim picked up the cards, flipped through them, and then read aloud, “Can a woman ask a man out?”

His deep voice boomed out into the audience and all the women in the room looked up at us in anticipation.

Tim began to share his opinion while I perched up on my stool and articulated my thoughts.

My husband recommended that if a man has indicated some interest in a woman then she can confidently suggest “you should ask me out.” 

So the woman is making her interest clear to a man and making it known she is available.

But if the guy say’s no and shows zero interest in arranging another time or place to meet, it’s time for the woman to move on.

I AGREE.

But I think this holds true for both men and women.  If a guy asks a girl out and she says no, and then he asks again and again, and she still says no, then the guy needs to move on.

We tend to take “NO” so personally but if we tweaked our model just a bit, and looked  at asking someone out (or encouraging someone to ask us out) as more of an interview process and less of an emotional minefield, it would take a great deal of the pressure off.

When you go out on more dates than less…each individual date takes on less significance making it easier to act like yourself. 

It’s the whole idea of putting all your eggs in one basket.  When it comes to first dates, spread the eggs around and try MANY baskets. 

I want to be clear here, I’m talking about FIRST DATES and doing things like taking a walk and getting an ice cream cone, or meeting at a coffee shop.  I am not referring to hooking up and being the Easter Bunny hoochie or poochie (if you are a guy).

So ladies…BE BOLD and be ENCOURAGING.

And help guys ask you out.  Maybe this isn’t as easy as directly asking them out, but it is certainly more honoring and respectful to a man.

When I was single, if I was interested in a guy I usually invited him to a group event.  If he said yes and showed up, I gauged his interest.  Usually, with a little encouragement, a guy will then make the leap to asking a woman out.

Chivalry is not dead; we simply need to re-train our men to become the hero’s they were designed to be.

What do you think?  Is it ok for women to ask men out?

–Samantha

Further reference: A great book to read is Neil Clark Warren’s Date or Soul Mate for more on the interview process.

Photo Credit: From creativejuicephotography.blogspot.com

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Counting the Cost

September 19, 2012 By

My friend Bob has an eye for beautiful women –beautiful and wounded women.

Not surprisingly, the woman he is currently dating is in the middle of a tough divorce.  Their relationship is intimate and this isn’t the first time he has found himself in this situation.

Once again, Bob finds himself racked with guilt, shame, and remorse.  Inevitably, it ends in a broken relationship with the woman feeling used and embittered.

Over and over, Bob ends up feeling distant from the God he loves and desires to serve, fully aware there is a better way to live.  I know he has seen the type of relationships he desires –one based on love and honesty where intimacy is appropriately saved until the day the wedding vows are exchanged.  And I know in the deepest part of his heart, godly intimacy and a loving marriage is what he desires.

So why does he continue to fall into the same rut every time?  Why does he put himself in this painful situation over and over?  Isn’t the reverberation of guilt and shame enough to cause him to move in a different direction?

It reminds me of the simple house fly.  Painfully, no matter how many times he smacks in to the window, he can’t get out.  And unless he finds another way, he will die on the windowsill.

I have some theories on this.

First, I don’t want to discount that patternistic disobedience can often be linked to addiction.  He may simply be a sex addict.  And he knows that he can get his sexual desires met by preying on hurting women looking for love in the aftermath of a broken relationship.  I won’t go into an in-depth analysis on addiction here, but there are some great resources for men and women dealing with sexual addiction and seeking sobriety at http://www.sa.org/.

Second, I also don’t want to overlook his broken past.  Having gone through a horrific divorce with his ex-wife, I know he has a hard time trusting women.  But clearly he can’t justify his behavior,  and he and I both know he needs to come to a place of forgiveness because the pain of resentment is destroying him.

So why doesn’t Bob get the help that he needs?  If he wants to honor God in his relationships and experience the trust and intimacy from a godly marriage, why doesn’t Bob pursue healing?  I think it’s possible it all stems from an innate, subconscious cost/benefit analysis that keeps many of us trapped in sin.

Let me lay it out for you.  My friend Bob knows he needs to kick his sexual addiction, and it will take some time.  Many Christian psychologists will tell you it takes a minimum of a year of hard work(often with multiple meetings each week).  And if he desires to gain the trust of a Godly woman, he needs to establish a track record of sexual purity.   He is going to need to put some time between his sexual promiscuity and his future dating life. Let’s say that all of this work takes about 1 ½ years.

Then, he is going to have to begin dating with the intent to find a suitable wife.  This is no easy search.  It is possible with his new mindset, the first person he dates might meet his criteria and he is off to the races.  But I have been around way too many relationships to know how unlikely this is.

Even with a plan to date with the intent to marry, it takes a lot of time to find someone suitable.  Let’s say that this search takes at least another year.  Then, if he is going to really get to know his new-found girlfriend, he will need time to build a relationship.  Because he has kids from his previous marriage, I imagine the woman he dates will probably also have kids.

I believe the best process to foster trust and prepare for all of life’s circumstances requires dating through the seasons.  And even if Bob asks her to marry him before the calendar year culminates, they are going to need to plan the wedding.  Even the most accelerated timetable requires a few months to execute.  So let’s say that from their first date to the wedding night will be between 12 and 18 months.

Now let’s do the math:

Breaking addiction, finding healing, establishing purity   1½ years
Search for a suitable partner                                           1 year
First date to marriage                                                      1 to 1½ year   
Total Time Elasped                                                         3½ to 4 years

It is my belief this simple time equation is what keeps people from pursuing God’s best for their life.

Discipline and life-change takes time, and it is hard work, and there are no shortcuts.

I am living proof that the benefit far outweighs the cost, but I can’t convince Bob of this.  He has struggled through his broken sexual relationships for eight years now.

I believe when he counts the cost of pursuing God’s will for his relational life, he believes it is just too high.

But is it?

If he would have started five years ago, his story could be so different.  He can’t imagine staying sexually pure for a month, let alone a couple of years.  So he throws in the towel and continues the pattern.  But what are his alternatives?

I wonder how long he will continue to fly into the window before he dies on the window sill.

–Tim

Photo Credit: Pinterest

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You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling…

September 13, 2012 By

As a pastor, part of my job is to give encouragement and hope to those in relational conflict.  Even though God created us as relational beings, most relationships at some point face a trial or obstacle that seems insurmountable.

I see people struggle with their dating lives, an upcoming engagement or marriage; not to mention the many difficulties that crop up with family members, friends, co-workers and classmates.

But the most common phrase I’ve heard over the years, from people hurtling towards relational demise, is some form of this: “We have fallen out of love.”

Sounds like the familiar song from Top Gun, (remember Maverick and Goose belting it out to the blonde beauty at the bar?) “You’ve lost that loving feeling, now it’s gone, gone gone…wooa wooa woah.”

But is love a feeling to be won, accidentally found or somehow lost?

A recent survey of divorce lawyers in England revealed that “falling out of love” is the number one reason marriages fail.

I have a close friend who got married soon after college. We had many long discussions about why he wanted to get married, and the simple truth was he felt she “deserved” it. She had stuck with him through some crazy times in college and they had been physically intimate for years. He wasn’t sure he wanted to get married, but felt like it would be inappropriate to dump her after she had put up with so much and given him everything, so he asked for her hand.

They did okay for a while, but their relationship was difficult at best. I’m not sure he ever had the feelings he thought he should for the woman he married. Eventually, after settling down in a home in the suburbs and having a couple of kids, my friend called me and confessed. “I think I have just fallen out of love with her,” he declared. “I just don’t feel it anymore.”

After a long discussion, I realized he was getting attention from a number of other women in his workplace, which led him down the path of questioning if he even wanted his marriage anymore.

Now I understand how it works when it comes to music or food. A song we “love” and listen to every day eventually becomes annoying and we say we don’t love it anymore.

We fall in love with the new Memphis BBQ Six Dollar Burger from Carl’s Jr. for a week or two, but when we can’t pull hard enough to clasp our belt on the last hole and we can’t get the BBQ stain out of our favorite t-shirt, we fall out of love just as quickly returning to the Lo Cal Tofu Caesar Wrap at the local health food restaurant.

But when we talk about real love, relational love, the type of love described in the Bible, it seems to me love isn’t something we “fall” into or out of.

For all the Greek scholars out there, there are a few different words for the English word love. There is a word for familial love (storge), a word for friendship or brotherly love (phileo), and another word for passionate love (eros); but the word I want to discuss is the type of love Jesus modeled for us and called us to have for one another. That word is agape, or unconditional love.

Our ability to love this way is thus initiated by God. John talks about this love in 1 John 4. He compels us to “…love (agape) one another, for love (agape) comes from God.” He goes on to say that “We love because he (God) first loved us.”

If this is true, it seems as though we are incapable of having this “agape” love unless we have received it first from God. And what this passage communicates is that true love is not a feeling at all, it is a choice. And as God chose us, we get to choose to love one another.

So when a married couple comes to me and declares they have “fallen out of love” I generally respond with this truth: they have CHOSEN to stop loving each other, and fallen out of nothing.

As a pastor, one of my duties is to officiate weddings.  During the ceremony, I often refer to the words of Paul as he describes this type of love. 1 Corinthians 13 states: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

When I read this passage, I recognize I don’t fall in or out of any of these things! The last time I was in the express lane at the grocery store and the person in front of me piled thirty-seven items on the conveyor belt with a corresponding coupon for each item, I and only I, decide how to react (or overreact).  I  can choose to churn with frustration or move towards building patience.

Patience is difficult and elusive – something we must choose if we are going to love like Jesus loved us. All of the things on this list are choices. I have never once fallen into patience, humility, generosity, kindness or honesty.

This proves to me that LOVE IS A CHOICE!

After long conversations with my friend, he recognized that if he was going to save his marriage, he was going to have to begin choosing love. And I am happy to report that he did. He stopped listening to the tempting voices of other women, recognizing they were only attracted to his status and income.

He did the math on a future separated from his wife and kids, a life of child support, visiting rights and being alone. He played out the movie in his head and shuddered at the ending he was moving towards.

Then he began to make the difficult and daily decisions of kindness, protection, humility and truthfulness. And you know what happened? His feelings followed!

It didn’t take long for the passion in his marriage to return. Before long, the marriage of my friend who CHOSE to love his wife became a marriage others wanted. It was full of fun and joy, intimacy and excitement.

Do you believe that love is a choice?

–Tim

Sources: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/aug/31/divorce-family-finances

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8 Keys to Divorce Proof Marriage

August 29, 2012 By

I found an amusing article on a country music blog about divorce (not to say there is anything remotely fun about divorce), but this boot-scooting boogey website did a poll and asked their readers to send in their best tips to divorce proof a marriage.

Here are the tips they gave to unmarried’s…

* Don’t have a baby out-of-wedlock

* Finish high school

* Don’t marry until your 20s

* Know your partner for at least a year

* Don’t live with too many partners outside of marriage

* Get a decent job

While these are relevant suggestions, I think they forget a few biggies.

Research proves the single most effective element in preventing divorce in a marriage is PRAYER and strangely enough I don’t even see it on the list.

 

Couples who attend church and pray together have a much lower divorce rate then the current 51% divorce rate.

The University of Virginia’s Brad Wilcox found that church attendance on a regular basis reduces the likelihood of divorce by 30 percent to 35 percent. Wilcox’s research supports another study by Annette Mahoney of Bowling Green State University, which independently came to a similar conclusion.

But it’s not just going to church, when you insert prayer along with a lifestyle of faith, thoughts of divorce tumble.

A 1998 survey by the Georgia Family Council discovered that in marriages where couples prayed together weekly, only 7 percent had seriously considered divorce, compared to 65 percent of those who did not pray together.

So, maybe not having a kid outside of wedlock is a good idea and a great job never hurts, but when the cards are down and the struggles of marriage emerge, it’s the couples who get on their knees and cry out to God who tend to make it.

Do you have any tips to avoiding divorce?

Sources: Focus on the Family

 

 

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Drive-through Dating

August 23, 2012 By

Even though we know certain things are bad for us, many of us are a glutton for punishment. 

I, for one, have a love/hate relationship with Diet Coke.  I know it’s rotten for me, probably causing cancer and corroding my teeth sip by sip, and yet once or twice a week in a moment of weakness I drink my sweet poison and thoroughly enjoy it.

Apparently, most people date in the same fashion. 

Best Dating Practices

Psychologists and sociologists agree that courtship’s based on infatuation and physical chemistry tend to fizzle out fast, because they fail to allow the relationship to evolve at a natural pace.

On the other hand, couples who build anticipation and focus on fostering a partnership rather than accelerating it are associated with more enduring satisfaction.

But even though we know rushing a relationship is bad for us, couples often jump in the sack and drink the sweet poison of a failed relationship before they allow it to begin and flourish.

Our desire for immediate gratification is killing our relationships.

So how quickly are we jumping into relationships?  Pretty quick if you look at the research…

Dating Reality

A recent study by SeekingArrangement.com polled 100,000 people to find the average length of their romantic milestones in dating relationships.

“Participants in the new study revealed the average number of dates per week with a new partner was two, meaning that couples tend to say ‘I love you’ seven weeks into a relationship. First kisses tend to take place two dates or one week into the dating process, and the first time a couple has sex is, on average, after four dates to two weeks.”

Introducing a girlfriend or boyfriend to friends and family took members an average of six weeks, and moving in with a partner averaged out at around 30 weeks into dating.

In a culture of drive-through sex, are we surprised at skyrocketing divorce rates when we can’t even wait until the third date to hook up?

A Different Approach?

But there is another way?

What if we postponed sex to BUILD a great relationship.

Most young people don’t think purity is possible.  I get it, because I used to be a skeptic too. 

Until, I gave it a shot and by God’s grace ended up in the relationship of my dreams.

Just because you’ve already had sex or lived a life of promiscuity, doesn’t mean the next relationship can’t be different. 

–Samantha

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Maybe it’s time to try something new? 

Photo credit: Love/couple Ginnie Joubert via Pinterest

Sources:

Psychology Today.”The Colors of Love.” March/April 1993: 36.

Research Study by: Seeking Arrangement.com

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