The Pitfalls of Shacking Up

August 9, 2013 By

I listened in on –ok eavesdropped to a woman at a café the other day as she bemoaned her daughter moving in with a dude before marriage.  The woman had apparently discouraged her daughter but the girl rashly went ahead (as most young people do) and packed up her bags to shack up with her new man.

The girl claimed she wanted to “test” their compatibility before they invested the time and energy in marriage.

(Reminds me of test-driving a car)

But the problem with this popular view in culture is that relationships are not like buying or trying on a consumer product.  You generally don’t return a dress after you’ve worn it and laundered it for a year or two, right?

But that’s what we do in the “trying before buying” model of dating.

Relationships are built on a foundation of trust and security, so when you destroy the main foundation before you begin to build the structure –you end up with a house of cards just waiting to fall down.

According to research, a trial run before marriage is not the answer for couples who are considering exclusivity.

Nancy Pina –relationship expert and life coach said this, “In my experience as a Christian relationship coach, those who chose to live together experienced a decline in emotional intimacy instead of a strengthened bond.

A new study by World magazine measured feelings of commitment and intimacy for unmarried couples who live together, and found they never achieved the level of closeness married couples enjoy.”

Ouch…NEVER?

Nancy suggests that living together sets most couples up for probable failure, because at that point, at least one person in the relationship is unsure if it should lead to marriage. Instead of addressing their reservation with openness and honesty, the uncertain person agrees to a trial arrangement. As seen in the study, 52 percent of men are not “almost certain” their relationship will last. More than half had reservations about the longevity of the relationship.

(Remember that saying about “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”)

Marriage brings security –a woman’s greatest need.  Marriage validates responsibilities and expectations within the relationship.

Shacking up is the opposite of commitment.  It is friends with benefits.  It’s an open door policy that allows for flight.  It’s “hey, I’m in as long as you meet all my needs…but if you don’t…there’s the door.”

In marriage, partners have more incentive to learn what pleases each other and they become good at it because they expect to stay together.

“Merely living together is an open question mark because the future is undecided. Cohabitation by its very nature does not promote the same deep connection of mutual trust and emotional vulnerability. Intimacy that is reserved for marriage is cheapened by this experience and cannot be replicated.” states Nancy.

What do you think?

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Why You Should Date a Teacher

July 31, 2013 By

Quote teacher #teacher #education

It’s summertime and everywhere I turned on our recent vacation I ran into teachers having a blast–hiking Yosemite, boating, fishing, mountain-biking and celebrating life. Summer is a teacher’s reward!

Growing up with a mom and step-dad who taught high-school for almost 40 years, I know what a catch any teacher is as a parent, spouse and partner. My parents and their educator friends were some of the most intelligent, articulate and adventurous people around.

So when I saw this article on the E Harmony blog, I couldn’t resist posting!

Know a cute teacher you’re considering asking out? Do it!

Here are 15 reasons to date a teacher:

1. They’re conversationalists. All day long, teachers work to connect with students of all kinds of backgrounds, intellectual levels and work ethics.

2. Teachers can charm parents. They meet with them a lot, and know how to put people at ease. Date a teacher, and you won’t have to stress about the inevitable meet-the-parents dinner.

3. Teachers adapt quickly, whether it’s welcoming new students or embracing new curriculum. Change doesn’t faze them.

4. Teachers can explain the same thing in a variety of ways until a point is made effectively, making sure that miscommunication doesn’t hurt the relationship. Read More

My favorite is #8! Summer’s off are the bomb!

Have you ever dated a teacher?

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First Date Red Flags

July 23, 2013 By

woman-chases-man

Ever been on a first date where something seems a bit off?  Maybe your date started crying uncontrollably before the appetizer or licked his fingers at the table with a lusty grin.

And all of a sudden your gut instinct kicks into high gear and a nagging question is raised about their character or integrity.

When a red flag appears, take the time to ask clarifying questions, unless it’s an obvious physical  boundary issue in which case you should run! 

Ten first date red flags:

  • I’m recently divorced. 

This deserves a clarifying question.  “What is recent?”  If your date says, “two years or so,” breathe a sigh of relief, smile and move on in the conversation.  If they say “almost two months” or “actually we’re  separated, but the divorce is almost final” run for the hills.

  • “I’m not really looking for a relationship, just someone to have fun with.”

Newsflash!  You will not be the muse to make him change his ways and suddenly have a new appreciation for commitment.   If you are truly looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage, he or she is not the one.

  • “I’m in between jobs right now.”

While unemployment doesn’t have to mean throwing in the dating towel, generally during a stressful time of job transition, dating takes a back seat to finding a job.  Ask more questions in this scenario.  “How long have you been out of work? What industry are you in?  Do you change jobs often?” 

  • Constant ex talk…

If the main conversation is the ex-girlfriend or ex-husband then your date is still emotionally unavailable.  Move on to someone who is ready to pay attention to you.  Rebound dating stinks!

  • He looks at other women with obvious interest. 

If he’s checking out the options now, you can guarantee he’ll be looking later.  Flee!

  • He/she is mean to the server or tips stingily.

If your date doesn’t give common courtesy and operate with generosity to the people who wait on them, then expect similar treatment in a relationship.  Kind people are kind across the board –no exceptions.

  • They move towards sex on the first date. 

Anyone trying to get in your pants on the first date clearly isn’t thinking “long-term” relationship.  Just say “no thanks.”

  • She’s a diva. 

If she throws a tantrum, complains loudly or shows more drama than a stage production –move on.

  • They over-imbibe. 

Call it nerves (or possibly alcoholism) but if your date gets drunk on the first date they may lack self-control in stressful social situations.  Not a keeper…throw back!

  • Are they obnoxious?  Competitive?  Loud and attention-getting? 

Are you cringing in your seat tem minutes into the date?  It will not get better and unlike a pet that barks too loud, you will have to appear in public with this person (if you are in a relationship) and it will only get worse.

  • Other red flags? 

Depressed, clingy, lives with parents after age twenty-five, has small children that live in another state, works 24/7, takes calls during the date, and can’t remember your name.

Last tip…

Don’t ignore the flashing blinky signals your date is giving off –no matter how pretty she is or how wealthy he is. (We mean it!)

What are some of the RED FLAGS you watch out for?

 

 

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Hiding Behind Textnology

July 19, 2013 By

We’ve talked a great deal about how texting is changing the dating game.  We’ve theorized on the “instant” and “false” intimacy created by social media relationships.  Well…now we have the research to back our suspicians.

Christian Mingle and JDate recently conducted a survey of 1500 smartphone users aged 21-50, who are dating or have been in a relationship less than two years and studied their texting behavior.

The results are surprising…

Among the findings from USA Today:

•Approximately one-third of men (31%) and women (33%) agree it’s less intimidating to ask for a date via text vs. a phone call.

•One in four say an hour is the longest acceptable response time to a text to someone you are dating or interested in dating; one in 10 expect a response instantly or within a few minutes.

•More men (44%) than women (37%) say mobile devices make it easier to flirt and get acquainted.

“Texting is kind of an ongoing conversation. It does make it easier to flirt. Maybe you’re talking every day,” says Alex Pulda, 27, who works in product research in San Francisco. “It’s not like text conveys a ton of emotion, but you are getting a little more comfortable with each other.”

READ MORE…

According to Ruthie Dean, co-author Real Men Don’t Text (published in September) guys use text messages to send the same message to multiple women. ‘Hey, do you want to hang out tonight.’ They’re kind of fishing for a response,” she says.

Dean, 28, notices that millenials— generally born 1982 to 2000 —have a “a huge handicap in communication. We have our heads down in our smartphones a lot. We don’t know how to express our emotions, and we tend to hide behind technology, computers and social media.”

“People are uncomfortable using the phone. A text message is easier. You can think exactly what you want to say and how to craft it. When they are face-to-face or over the phone, there’s this awkwardness,” she says.

She says telephone calls are often thought of as an intrusion, while texting affords a way of “controlling the volume,” a term she uses to describe the sense of control that text gives users that they can’t get with a voice conversation.

“We tell ourselves we don’t want to disturb someone. Sometimes it’s true, but more often, it’s because we can’t get them off the phone,” she says.

In texting, “we don’t have to talk to people or listen to what another person has to say. We decide how we want to encounter or whether we want to encounter other people. Technology gives us tools for controlling our relationships.”

How is texting changing the way you date?

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Are you a Codependent Dater?

July 15, 2013 By

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We throw around the word “codependent” to describe the clingy couple or the woman who makes excuses for her husband’s bad behavior.  But do we really know and recognize the patterns that lead to a codependent relationship? 

What if true codependence looked like some of the bad habits we (gasp!) display in relationships?

“Though there are many different versions of codependence, they all share the same underlying problem: They try to control their partner and they aren’t comfortable on their own.”–Dr. Seth Meyers

I can hear you now…”I’m not controlling, or “I’m not a passive control freak” in dating.  And while it may not be your issue, it couldn’t hurt to ask yourself a few simple questions:

  • Were you raised with a family member battling addiction?
  • Were you the peacemaker in a family of contention?
  • Do you try to control your environment –obsessive cleanliness or order?
  • Do you find yourself compensating for other’s bad behavior?

Once we identify the red flags in our past brokeness we can change the cycles that seem to inevitably repeat themselves in each new relationship.

But where do we get started?

Dr. Seth Myer’s Love Prescription deconstructs the patterns of Relationship Repetition Syndrome -what we like to call the insanity cycle- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

The following article shares great insight on codependent couples and how to break these pesky and unhealthy behaviors.

Enjoy…

The term “codependent” emerged as a way to describe the relationship dynamic between an addict and his or her emotional caretaker. For example, Person A has a habit of getting too drunk, passing out, and arriving late to work the next day, so Person B tries to do everything possible to keep Person A on-track. Person B tries to control the behavior of Person A not out of spite or malice but to help keep the relationship functional. The caretaker’s fear is that, without their help, Person B will set off on a downward spiral that leads to more problems – sickness, the end of the relationship, a lost job, or even death.

In a codependent relationship, both individuals are codependent – not just one, no matter how extreme one member of the couple may seem to be. In the example above, the person who drinks too much depends on the caretaker to clean up their messes, both literal and figurative; the caretaker depends on the person who drinks too much to need him or her in order to survive. No one in a codependent relationship is truly happy. When the codependent attaches to someone and the relationship gets bad, the codependent feels unable to leave his or her partner. Instead, he, like all codependents, will stay because the alternative of being alone is too threatening.

See, the M.O. of the codependent is to avoid separation at all costs. This approach requires that the codependent abandon his own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. In other words, he loses himself. Over time, the term “codependent” has expanded to include couples in which there is fear around separations and attempts to control each other’s behavior. I will give you another example below of what a codependent relationship looks like.  READ MORE

–Samantha and Tim

For more resources, READ: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Codependent No More is the kind of book that can become your friend, one you can keep on the nightstand and leaf through every few days for a tune-up. The book includes a chapter on anger which is especially helpful, as many codependents swallow their anger and need to learn how to express it appropriately.

Dr. Seth Meyers has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

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Define “Christian?”

July 3, 2013 By

Cross

One of the biggest complaints we hear from daters using Online Dating Services is how the category of “Christian” can mean so many different things to different people.

Jenna found this to be true. “My spiritual beliefs and values often make dating a very risky pursuit. I’ve been set up with guys—even ones who know I’m a Christian—who expect me to go along with their lifestyle choices: sex, drugs, excessive drinking, and the rest. Other times, guys find out I’m a Christian and automatically assume I’m uptight and judgmental. The stereotypes get old.” 

Brad chimed in…“I’ve heard Christian dating advice that assumes all Christians are exactly the same. But it’s not as if every believer fits a certain profile. There’s a broad spectrum of what it means for people to call themselves a Christian—from very liberal to very conservative and everything in between. Just because a woman calls herself a Christian doesn’t mean her beliefs or lifestyle choices are the same as mine.”

Truth?  Dating is a DAUNTING adventure.  And it’s confusing and awkward and complex…AND even more so with those who have spiritual beliefs they are not only trying to safeguard but to UNIFY with another.

In a culture of Post-Christian anything goes relativity…Christians need to be pro-active!

5 Tips to Help Christian Singles Navigate Online Dating:

  • Guard Your Heart

A key biblical principle says that what is in a person’s heart determines how that person acts—all the decisions he or she makes, for better or worse. We often focus on behavior—how far is too far physically, what a person of faith should or shouldn’t do in a dating relationship, and so on. But even more important is the recognition that conduct follows convictions and actions follow attitudes.

Solomon wrote, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23.

  • Define your standards BEFORE you date

The time to think through any potentially perilous situation is before it happens. Play the movie out in your mind of possible scenarios.  Think through what hazards lay in your path.  Purity is important, and if it is important to you, take the time to identify potential pitfalls before you start dating (alcohol, late nights, sleeping over).  Fortify your convictions in advance with firm intentions, accountability and a solid plan.

  • Stand Firm

Many Christian singles are hesitant to voice their convictions for fear of being labeled “old-fashioned” or “narrow-minded.” But it’s far better to be up-front about what is and is not acceptable to you in the beginning before you head down a path of compromise.  People respect people who know who they are and who have standards.  If your date disregards your efforts to hold firm to your beliefs, then they aren’t a good match to begin with.

  • Find a Team to Root for You

When facing any obstacle, it helps to know you have support. Invite others who share your commitment to moral integrity to encourage you and check in with you. Find advocates and ask them to watch your back and encourage you to hold firm to your convictions.  They can help you to keep you moving the direction you want to go.

  • Find a Dating Mentor

Search out someone—a pastor, mentor, teacher—whose perspectives and opinions you hold in high regard. Spend time with this person and glean all the wisdom you can. Again, it was Solomon who said, “He who walks with the wise grows wise” (Proverbs 13:20). Good counsel is available to you if you’ll ask for it.

Your Christian faith defines who you are and will play a vital role in any lasting relationship. Protect what matters most to you and date with intentionality.

 (some tips adapted from Neil Clark Warren’s Christian Dating Advice)

 

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What 81% of Singles are Not Looking For

June 28, 2013 By

beautiful-couple-couples-happiness-happy-Favim_com-133621

Sometimes we think everyone wants the same things we do.  We ERRONEOUSLY believe people, even good Christian folks, go on dates to look for a lifelong partner.  We think everyone wants a “Happily Ever After.”

Think again.  New research is revealing only 19% of daters are looking for a person to marry. 

Youza!  If this is true, then about 81% of the matches we get online are looking for something else.

Here are the results of the study taken from Top Dating Tips

For me, dating is mainly about….. ? 

1. Love 21% 
2. Marriage 19% 
3. Friendship 8% 
4. Partnership 6% 
5. Sex 19% 
6. Company 3% 
7. Social life 3% 
8. Romance 12% 
9. Conversation 3% 
10. Sharing 6% 
Have you ever dated more than one person simultaneously ?

1. Yes 53% 
2. No 33% 
3. Don’t Know 13%

Would you like to get married ? 

1.) Yes 44% 
2.) No 12% 
3.) Maybe 32% 
4.) Not again 4% 
5.) Don’t know 8%

Where is the best place to meet new people ? 

1.) Bar 18% 
2.) Club 11% 
3.) Beach 4% 
4.) Church 2% 
5.) Social club 4% 
6.) Mall 4% 
7.) Internet 18% 
8.) Work 22% 
9.) Sport 7% 
10.) Other 9%

So why do you date?

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Dating Tip #1 How to Flee Like Joseph

June 26, 2013 By

woman-chases-man

Ever meet a woman (or guy) who seems irresistible?

You are in a dating relationship with them and there is intense CHEMISTRY. Or maybe she lives down the hall and gives you “the look” every time you take out your trash. Maybe it’s your male trainer at the gym whose hands accidentally brush up your side when he adjusts your posture.

They put out the vibe that they are AVAILABLE. READY to RUMBLE. SEXUALLY OPEN.

And let’s be honest, it’s tempting.

But you want to follow Christ. You are committed to walking in purity. You know better, right?

I imagine Joseph felt this way too.

Potiphar’s wife was more than likely pretty hot.

She was a wealthy Egyptian woman and the wife of a high-ranking official. This gal probably had all the time in the world to primp, work out at the “Desert Sand’s” 24 Fitness, and practice the smoky eye with her Cleopatra line of makeup.

She certainly had time on her hands to lust after Joseph, her handsome and well built man-servant.

It would have been easy for Joseph to hook up with her when his boss wasn’t looking.

It’s always easy to say “yes” to pleasure.

When Tim and I were dating, there were many nights where our kisses on the sofa turned into lingering hugs and the temperature rose a notch in the room.

And choices had to be made.

Tim’s favorite method of recourse in those steamy situations?

FLEE LIKE JOSEPH!

He would excuse himself to go to the restroom and call me from the car ten minutes later.

Half the time I never even knew he was struggling. A smoldering kiss for a girl doesn’t have the same effect as it does for a dude.

But Tim knew his limits and sometimes running was his only option.

When Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph -Joseph ran. And the temptress had such a hold on him she ripped off part of his clothes.

Temptation is like that. It grabs on tight. It wants us to surrender.

But God will give us the strength to flee if we seek him.

It helps to have a plan to deal with these situations BEFORE they erupt.

Knowing your triggers and knowing HOW YOU WILL DEAL with the temptation before it arises will give you the tools to navigate sticky situations.

  • Maybe you don’t drink alcohol on a date with this person -until you make it down the aisle.
  • Maybe you have a group of guys or girls checking in with you and encouraging you to date differently.
  • Maybe you set a curfew and stick to it.
  • Maybe you get a same-sex trainer.
  • Maybe you take a longer route to take out the trash.

Tim and I made it down the aisle without sexual compromise. It wasn’t easy but the truly good things in life rarely are.

IT IS POSSIBLE and IT IS WORTH IT!

Dating Tip #1 -When the temperature get’s hot, FLEE like Joseph!

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified:that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this manner no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or a sister.” –1 Thessalonians 4: 3-6

 

 

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Technology and Dating

May 10, 2013 By

Working in ministry, we get to meet terrific Kingdom Minded people.  DJ Chuang is one of those guys -DJ is a strategy consultant, ideator and connector. 

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We ran into him at Catalyst this year and he asked Tim to contribute to a podcast on the effects of social media and relationships. 

Social media is affecting ALL RELATIONSHIPS –specifically DATING! 

Here is the podcast from DJ Chuang’s Social Media Church featuring Pastor Tim Keller. 

How Technology Will affect Your Ministry: Episode 44

This episode of Social Media Church features a caller’s comment, commentary, and presentation. You can listen to the episode for the comment and commentary. And, the presentation “9 Ministry Issues You’ll Face with Technology” is an audio excerpt of a Chapel message by John Dyer, courtesy of Dallas Theological Seminary – used by permission. 

Read More at Social Media Church

We hope you enjoy it!

–Tim and Samantha Keller

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Dating Tips -Single Parent Plus 4

April 26, 2013 By

single-parents

“I’ve decided not to tell the men I date that I have kids. What do you think about that?”

My husband and I were wrapping up a teaching series on love, sex and dating at a local Christian singles group when the woman approached me with her question. 

My mouth dropped open in shock.  “How many kids do you have?”

“Four,” the woman replied.  “But I make a lot of money and I can keep the kids in a separate residence if I have too.”

I shook my head back and forth (and tried to hide the vomit curling in my throat).  “Listen, I’m not sure you want to hear what I have to say about this, but here I go…”

DO NOT HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE KIDS

Never conceal your family from someone.  Children are not a fun surprise in an established relationship.  It’s pure deception if you choose not to tell this to a potential date.  And dishonesty is no way to build a solid relationship.

If a guy or gal is turned off by kids then move on.  It only takes one person –the right person who adores you AND your kids.

You are a package deal not à la carte!

Now, if your kids are so difficult they scare all potential suitors away, it might be time for an honest parenting assessment.  Maybe your kids need you more now then you need to date.  I know that’s hard to hear, but it might be true.

There are some seasons where your kids might need to be the priority and dating needs to take a backseat until your family is back on track.  Seek counseling.  Find healing. Get in a support group.  You only have one shot with your kids and divorce is devastating to them.  Do not minimize their hurt or be so self-absorbed you put your desires above theirs.

I shared this all with the woman and she squinted her eyes at me and looked mad (probably because I didn’t agree with her twisted scheming). “I think my way is the best,” she mumbled and stomped off. 

I felt sorry for next poor man sucked into her web of deception.  I also felt sorry for her kids. 

There is HOPE

Single parents looking for love are tasked with a far greater responsibility than most –but the right person will treasure you even more because you are a loving and genuine parent.

Be proud of the blessings God gave you choose to steward their hearts (and yours) well.

 

Photo Source: sydniewells.wordpress.com

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