How to Blow A First Date
I’m plodding away on the treadmill at the gym, when a “reality” real estate show pops up on the screen. Halfway through the episode, they highlight two different scenarios of single male brokers out on dates.
And quite honestly, both were examples of “how to blow it.”
Both of these guys started out well—they asked a woman out and she said yes. Good job guys! That’s the first hurdle. But it went downhill fast.
Guy #1. This young man is a “nice guy” type. He’s funny and geeky and cute in a New York sort of way. Since I see his HUGE commissions on the listings, I know he’s a successful and confidant businessman in real estate. As far as looks go, dater #1 isn’t the most physically attractive guy, but he’s nicely groomed and put together, and quite frankly most women aren’t as image conscious as men, so he’s certainly attractive enough. His date is a classy gal. I can tell she really wants to like him, but their date is challenging to say the least.
Here’s what went wrong:
- He’s EARLY!
He calls her thirty minutes ahead to make sure she is ready and then picks her up fifteen minutes early. Obvious OCD is not attractive. Guys, please! Don’t arrive early. Your date is trying to get ready and look pretty for you. Don’t mess up this process! On the other hand, don’t show up late either. Be respectful and arrive on time. Call if you are running late.
- He’s indecisive
When the waiter comes by to get their drinks, he keeps deferring back to the woman. Guys, ladies hate that! Sure, give us a say in the decision, but please know your own mind! Do you like red wine, a cocktail, beer, a soda, or water? Do you enjoy meat or fish? Figure this out before you go on a date because we don’t want to wait (along with the server) while you have a mental crisis at the table.
(And for the record, Tim and I suggest not drinking on dates so you have a clear head and don’t act idiotic—but that’s another blog)
- He has zero social skills.
I’m not talking about “game” here or even charm, it’s just plain awkward the entire date! There are long gaps in between their conversation. He doesn’t seem interested in her. When he does talk out loud, it’s about the bygone days when he was overweight and pimply. This guy can barely get out a sentence because he’s so insecure, which he wasn’t in the business realm. I wanted to crawl through the screen and rescue him! Clearly he lacks communication skills with women, which can be learned. If painful shyness with the opposite sex is an issue for you, seek counseling and find a good dating coach.
The date ended with him asking her out again and she declined. I’m amazed she made it to dessert. Dater#1 I am rooting for you. You just a few dating skills!
Dater #2
This guy is also a wealthy New York real estate broker. He’s very attractive and he knows it—horribly arrogant and boastful—and I want to vomit watching him get his “game” on. He too is well dressed and appears intelligent, sneaky and of low moral character. The girl he meets for dinner is bursting out of her low cut dress. She is overtly sexual and I honestly thought, despite his douchiness, that she was pretty trashy even for him.
Here’s What Went Wrong:
- Bad Manners!
He’s late. By the time he arrives she’s already had a few cocktails. Now maybe he planned that because she’s raring to go? He also takes phone calls during the date—LAME! He checks out other women who walk by and even slyly asks another one out when she’s not looking. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
- He has an Agenda
Must I spell it out for you? This is a high class hook-up. It felt like a college frat party swapping out the solo cups for a good wine and lovely ambiance. It wasn’t about meeting someone new or treating another human being with dignity and respect. This was about sex. Period.
- He doesn’t respect women
Guys, if this is your issue—because you are damaged by a bad relationship, or numbed out from porn, try and limit the collateral damage of women you take out until you get some healing. Find a counselor, get your heart right with God and when you can see women as valuable once again, then try dating.
Their date ended up with sex in the limo. Her clothes were off before the door was shut and they had to fuzz it out of the screen.
I’m guessing he calls the other girl from the restaurant in the morning.
Have you had a bad first date experience?
What do you Believe?
When Tim and I start a new dating series, one of our first weeks is always devoted to one simple question.
What do you believe about God?
And why does this matter you ask?
Because what you believe about God affects the way you date.
What you believe about God determines your behavior in the dating realm. It is the core basis of how you treat people.
Don’t believe me?
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”—Matthew 12:35
What is stored up inside of you?
What are you putting into you?
God’s word? Healthy relationships? Love and Christian service? Christian community?
Or perhaps it’s something else?
When no one at church is looking what are putting in your heart?
It would seem we have a choice to make.
Do we choose to treat people well based on the goodness of God living within us or do we choose to take our dating relationships out of God’s realm based on our own desires and selfishness?
Do we take dating out of the context of our spirituality?
Do we rely on ourselves and tell God, ‘I’ve got it handled.”
“God, how about you cover Sunday and I’ll take care of the Friday night hook-up?”
“God, you handle the big things—like health and welfare and I got the women covered.”
Or maybe we let our loneliness supplant God when it comes to meeting people. “It’s been so long God…I couldn’t help myself.”
Do we settle for sex instead of a real relationship or being dangled along as “just a friend” while someone uses us to get their needs met while our legitimate needs–like security and a future get trampled on?
If it seems like I’m a little too familiar with this conversation, I am. Been there and done that. And I’ll tell you a secret…
It didn’t work.
Putting God in a box and leaving him out of my dating relationships did not go well for me.
In fact, it was a recipe for disaster!
Only when I surrendered DATING to God did he do the work within me to transform my heart. And only then did I RECOGNIZE a good guy when he came along.
So, let’s take a moment and ask the big question, “What do you believe about God?”
Do you believe that he has your best in mind?
That he loves you?
That he wants the best for you?
Do you believe that his commandments aren’t meant to take away our fun but to truly give you the best life possible?
Do you trust God’s timing because he knows you better than you know yourself?
If the answer is yes, then what does that mean about some of the things in your life distracting you from God’s best.
Things like:
Pornography
Sex outside of marriage
Dating unbelievers
Playing games in dating
Treating dating like a consumer marketplace
Dishonesty in your intentions—leading people on
Picking and choosing the parts of the Bible you agree with to justify deviant behaviors
Are you all in? Or just lukewarm?
The question is “Do you believe God or not?”
–Samantha and Tim
Online Dating Not for the Desperate Anymore
My hubby (Pastor Tim) does a lot of weddings. Back in the day, couples would come up with elaborate stories–let’s call them fibs–to cover up the REAL way they met, which was ONLINE.
But times are a changing. In the last year, I’ve noticed many couples own their story and boldly proclaim, “We met on Christian Mingle or E-Harmony.”
Online dating is no longer taboo and a dark secret to hide in the back of the closet from Aunt Edna. Online dating has reached social norm status.
When I saw this study from CNN, I had to share. The trend I’ve noticed from the wedding pews is spreading across the nation.
Enjoy…
(CNN) — If eHarmony or Match.com features more prominently in your “how we met” story than a smoky nightclub or the produce aisle, you’re probably not so reluctant to admit it.
Six out of 10 Americans now believe dating sites are a good way to meet people, according to a new report from the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project.
That’s up from 44% who felt that way in 2005, the last time Pew conducted a similar survey. Read More
–Blessings.
Samantha Keller
Photo Credit and website
How to Get Over a Bad Date
On some date’s, the skies part and the angels sing and on other date’s –not so much.
Oh, the date started out well enough (before her head twirled around like the exorcist because you said you ate meat) but somewhere between the appetizer and dessert it skidded to AWFUL with a resounding thud.
Another face, another wasted night…bad dates can be so disheartening.
But they don’t have to derail you from staying confident and ready for the right date to come.
(Remember it only takes one great date to make all the bad ones obsolete)
Here are a few tips to keep bad dates in perspective:
Love Sets Itself Apart
From the very beginning of our relationship, I knew Tim was different from all the others I dated before. We laughed at the same jokes, enjoyed easy conversation and reveled in each other’s company. I didn’t want our first date to ever end.
This is the exact opposite of most of my previous dates.
If you find yourself replaying conversations and kicking yourself for something you did or didn’t say on a date, then it’s probably not the connection you truly desire. The right one WILL stand out from the rest and you will know because it will be AWESOME!
Your Identity is Not Based on a Random Stranger’s Approval
If we believe our behavior, appearance or attitude should be perfect on a date and vice versa for our date, we are only setting ourselves up for failure. Learn how to relax and be yourself on a date and if the other person doesn’t’ like what you have to offer, than it’s their issue.
(Now I’m not excusing bad manners, if that’s you than it’s time for a dating makeover)
God created each of us uniquely and we come in all different shapes and sizes, with gifts and talents and abilities crafted by the King. If you know and REMEMBER that you were made in the image of God, then a stranger’s approval or disapproval will not shake your core identity.
And truthfully, when you own who you are and accept yourself unconditionally, you will be the most attractive YOU because it allows others to be themselves too.
Watch for RED Flags
If something your date says sounds bizarre, ask a few more questions.
Here’s a few items that might need more information and further explanation:
“I haven’t seen my kids in a long time.”
“About five jobs ago…”
“Actually we are separated, but the divorce should be any day now.”
“I just broke up with my ex last week.”
Listen to your intuition and be willing to walk away from a date to protect yourself and your future. Do not play mental negotiations because they are “sooo’ pretty or drive a Porsche.
Just say no to a second date.
4. Play the Movie
If your date has an annoying habit that sends you reaching for the bottle of Advil, don’t make excuses. Put this baby relationship to bed and end it now. It could be something minor or something major, and quite possibly maybe its a quirk or issue you struggle with because you are mildly OCD, but if terrible table manners or an obnoxious laugh send you over the edge, the situation will not improve with time.
Play the movie forward and imagine how their laugh or open chomping mouth will drive you batty ten years from now. If the issue is a non-negotiable for you, then don’t compromise.
Enjoy the Experience
Every date, bad or good can go into your repertoire of life’s experiences. Maybe the bad date can be redeemed as a funny story to be told at a dinner party or in later years to encourage a friend. Maybe you learned a lesson about a personality type or more about yourself on the date.
As long as you act honorably and with respect on a date, then you can part ways at the end of the evening in a healthy manner and maybe the bad date will refer you to a friend who better suits your personality.
Dating is supposed to be fun, so keep it light and take the disappointments in stride as part of the journey!
The Pitfalls of Shacking Up
I listened in on –ok eavesdropped to a woman at a café the other day as she bemoaned her daughter moving in with a dude before marriage. The woman had apparently discouraged her daughter but the girl rashly went ahead (as most young people do) and packed up her bags to shack up with her new man.
The girl claimed she wanted to “test” their compatibility before they invested the time and energy in marriage.
(Reminds me of test-driving a car)
But the problem with this popular view in culture is that relationships are not like buying or trying on a consumer product. You generally don’t return a dress after you’ve worn it and laundered it for a year or two, right?
But that’s what we do in the “trying before buying” model of dating.
Relationships are built on a foundation of trust and security, so when you destroy the main foundation before you begin to build the structure –you end up with a house of cards just waiting to fall down.
According to research, a trial run before marriage is not the answer for couples who are considering exclusivity.
Nancy Pina –relationship expert and life coach said this, “In my experience as a Christian relationship coach, those who chose to live together experienced a decline in emotional intimacy instead of a strengthened bond.
A new study by World magazine measured feelings of commitment and intimacy for unmarried couples who live together, and found they never achieved the level of closeness married couples enjoy.”
Ouch…NEVER?
Nancy suggests that living together sets most couples up for probable failure, because at that point, at least one person in the relationship is unsure if it should lead to marriage. Instead of addressing their reservation with openness and honesty, the uncertain person agrees to a trial arrangement. As seen in the study, 52 percent of men are not “almost certain” their relationship will last. More than half had reservations about the longevity of the relationship.
(Remember that saying about “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”)
Marriage brings security –a woman’s greatest need. Marriage validates responsibilities and expectations within the relationship.
Shacking up is the opposite of commitment. It is friends with benefits. It’s an open door policy that allows for flight. It’s “hey, I’m in as long as you meet all my needs…but if you don’t…there’s the door.”
In marriage, partners have more incentive to learn what pleases each other and they become good at it because they expect to stay together.
“Merely living together is an open question mark because the future is undecided. Cohabitation by its very nature does not promote the same deep connection of mutual trust and emotional vulnerability. Intimacy that is reserved for marriage is cheapened by this experience and cannot be replicated.” states Nancy.
What do you think?
Why You Should Date a Teacher
It’s summertime and everywhere I turned on our recent vacation I ran into teachers having a blast–hiking Yosemite, boating, fishing, mountain-biking and celebrating life. Summer is a teacher’s reward!
Growing up with a mom and step-dad who taught high-school for almost 40 years, I know what a catch any teacher is as a parent, spouse and partner. My parents and their educator friends were some of the most intelligent, articulate and adventurous people around.
So when I saw this article on the E Harmony blog, I couldn’t resist posting!
Know a cute teacher you’re considering asking out? Do it!
Here are 15 reasons to date a teacher:
1. They’re conversationalists. All day long, teachers work to connect with students of all kinds of backgrounds, intellectual levels and work ethics.
2. Teachers can charm parents. They meet with them a lot, and know how to put people at ease. Date a teacher, and you won’t have to stress about the inevitable meet-the-parents dinner.
3. Teachers adapt quickly, whether it’s welcoming new students or embracing new curriculum. Change doesn’t faze them.
4. Teachers can explain the same thing in a variety of ways until a point is made effectively, making sure that miscommunication doesn’t hurt the relationship. Read More
My favorite is #8! Summer’s off are the bomb!
Have you ever dated a teacher?
Are you a Codependent Dater?
We throw around the word “codependent” to describe the clingy couple or the woman who makes excuses for her husband’s bad behavior. But do we really know and recognize the patterns that lead to a codependent relationship?
What if true codependence looked like some of the bad habits we (gasp!) display in relationships?
“Though there are many different versions of codependence, they all share the same underlying problem: They try to control their partner and they aren’t comfortable on their own.”–Dr. Seth Meyers
I can hear you now…”I’m not controlling, or “I’m not a passive control freak” in dating. And while it may not be your issue, it couldn’t hurt to ask yourself a few simple questions:
- Were you raised with a family member battling addiction?
- Were you the peacemaker in a family of contention?
- Do you try to control your environment –obsessive cleanliness or order?
- Do you find yourself compensating for other’s bad behavior?
Once we identify the red flags in our past brokeness we can change the cycles that seem to inevitably repeat themselves in each new relationship.
But where do we get started?
Dr. Seth Myer’s Love Prescription deconstructs the patterns of Relationship Repetition Syndrome -what we like to call the insanity cycle- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
The following article shares great insight on codependent couples and how to break these pesky and unhealthy behaviors.
Enjoy…
The term “codependent” emerged as a way to describe the relationship dynamic between an addict and his or her emotional caretaker. For example, Person A has a habit of getting too drunk, passing out, and arriving late to work the next day, so Person B tries to do everything possible to keep Person A on-track. Person B tries to control the behavior of Person A not out of spite or malice but to help keep the relationship functional. The caretaker’s fear is that, without their help, Person B will set off on a downward spiral that leads to more problems – sickness, the end of the relationship, a lost job, or even death.
In a codependent relationship, both individuals are codependent – not just one, no matter how extreme one member of the couple may seem to be. In the example above, the person who drinks too much depends on the caretaker to clean up their messes, both literal and figurative; the caretaker depends on the person who drinks too much to need him or her in order to survive. No one in a codependent relationship is truly happy. When the codependent attaches to someone and the relationship gets bad, the codependent feels unable to leave his or her partner. Instead, he, like all codependents, will stay because the alternative of being alone is too threatening.
See, the M.O. of the codependent is to avoid separation at all costs. This approach requires that the codependent abandon his own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. In other words, he loses himself. Over time, the term “codependent” has expanded to include couples in which there is fear around separations and attempts to control each other’s behavior. I will give you another example below of what a codependent relationship looks like. READ MORE
–Samantha and Tim
For more resources, READ: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Codependent No More is the kind of book that can become your friend, one you can keep on the nightstand and leaf through every few days for a tune-up. The book includes a chapter on anger which is especially helpful, as many codependents swallow their anger and need to learn how to express it appropriately.
Dr. Seth Meyers has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
Define “Christian?”
One of the biggest complaints we hear from daters using Online Dating Services is how the category of “Christian” can mean so many different things to different people.
Jenna found this to be true. “My spiritual beliefs and values often make dating a very risky pursuit. I’ve been set up with guys—even ones who know I’m a Christian—who expect me to go along with their lifestyle choices: sex, drugs, excessive drinking, and the rest. Other times, guys find out I’m a Christian and automatically assume I’m uptight and judgmental. The stereotypes get old.”
Brad chimed in…“I’ve heard Christian dating advice that assumes all Christians are exactly the same. But it’s not as if every believer fits a certain profile. There’s a broad spectrum of what it means for people to call themselves a Christian—from very liberal to very conservative and everything in between. Just because a woman calls herself a Christian doesn’t mean her beliefs or lifestyle choices are the same as mine.”
Truth? Dating is a DAUNTING adventure. And it’s confusing and awkward and complex…AND even more so with those who have spiritual beliefs they are not only trying to safeguard but to UNIFY with another.
In a culture of Post-Christian anything goes relativity…Christians need to be pro-active!
5 Tips to Help Christian Singles Navigate Online Dating:
- Guard Your Heart
A key biblical principle says that what is in a person’s heart determines how that person acts—all the decisions he or she makes, for better or worse. We often focus on behavior—how far is too far physically, what a person of faith should or shouldn’t do in a dating relationship, and so on. But even more important is the recognition that conduct follows convictions and actions follow attitudes.
Solomon wrote, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23.
- Define your standards BEFORE you date
The time to think through any potentially perilous situation is before it happens. Play the movie out in your mind of possible scenarios. Think through what hazards lay in your path. Purity is important, and if it is important to you, take the time to identify potential pitfalls before you start dating (alcohol, late nights, sleeping over). Fortify your convictions in advance with firm intentions, accountability and a solid plan.
- Stand Firm
Many Christian singles are hesitant to voice their convictions for fear of being labeled “old-fashioned” or “narrow-minded.” But it’s far better to be up-front about what is and is not acceptable to you in the beginning before you head down a path of compromise. People respect people who know who they are and who have standards. If your date disregards your efforts to hold firm to your beliefs, then they aren’t a good match to begin with.
- Find a Team to Root for You
When facing any obstacle, it helps to know you have support. Invite others who share your commitment to moral integrity to encourage you and check in with you. Find advocates and ask them to watch your back and encourage you to hold firm to your convictions. They can help you to keep you moving the direction you want to go.
- Find a Dating Mentor
Search out someone—a pastor, mentor, teacher—whose perspectives and opinions you hold in high regard. Spend time with this person and glean all the wisdom you can. Again, it was Solomon who said, “He who walks with the wise grows wise” (Proverbs 13:20). Good counsel is available to you if you’ll ask for it.
Your Christian faith defines who you are and will play a vital role in any lasting relationship. Protect what matters most to you and date with intentionality.
(some tips adapted from Neil Clark Warren’s Christian Dating Advice)
What 81% of Singles are Not Looking For
Sometimes we think everyone wants the same things we do. We ERRONEOUSLY believe people, even good Christian folks, go on dates to look for a lifelong partner. We think everyone wants a “Happily Ever After.”
Think again. New research is revealing only 19% of daters are looking for a person to marry.
Youza! If this is true, then about 81% of the matches we get online are looking for something else.
Here are the results of the study taken from Top Dating Tips
For me, dating is mainly about….. ?
1. Love 21%
2. Marriage 19%
3. Friendship 8%
4. Partnership 6%
5. Sex 19%
6. Company 3%
7. Social life 3%
8. Romance 12%
9. Conversation 3%
10. Sharing 6%
Have you ever dated more than one person simultaneously ?
1. Yes 53%
2. No 33%
3. Don’t Know 13%
Would you like to get married ?
1.) Yes 44%
2.) No 12%
3.) Maybe 32%
4.) Not again 4%
5.) Don’t know 8%
Where is the best place to meet new people ?
1.) Bar 18%
2.) Club 11%
3.) Beach 4%
4.) Church 2%
5.) Social club 4%
6.) Mall 4%
7.) Internet 18%
8.) Work 22%
9.) Sport 7%
10.) Other 9%
So why do you date?
