How to Blow A First Date
I’m plodding away on the treadmill at the gym, when a “reality” real estate show pops up on the screen. Halfway through the episode, they highlight two different scenarios of single male brokers out on dates.
And quite honestly, both were examples of “how to blow it.”
Both of these guys started out well—they asked a woman out and she said yes. Good job guys! That’s the first hurdle. But it went downhill fast.
Guy #1. This young man is a “nice guy” type. He’s funny and geeky and cute in a New York sort of way. Since I see his HUGE commissions on the listings, I know he’s a successful and confidant businessman in real estate. As far as looks go, dater #1 isn’t the most physically attractive guy, but he’s nicely groomed and put together, and quite frankly most women aren’t as image conscious as men, so he’s certainly attractive enough. His date is a classy gal. I can tell she really wants to like him, but their date is challenging to say the least.
Here’s what went wrong:
- He’s EARLY!
He calls her thirty minutes ahead to make sure she is ready and then picks her up fifteen minutes early. Obvious OCD is not attractive. Guys, please! Don’t arrive early. Your date is trying to get ready and look pretty for you. Don’t mess up this process! On the other hand, don’t show up late either. Be respectful and arrive on time. Call if you are running late.
- He’s indecisive
When the waiter comes by to get their drinks, he keeps deferring back to the woman. Guys, ladies hate that! Sure, give us a say in the decision, but please know your own mind! Do you like red wine, a cocktail, beer, a soda, or water? Do you enjoy meat or fish? Figure this out before you go on a date because we don’t want to wait (along with the server) while you have a mental crisis at the table.
(And for the record, Tim and I suggest not drinking on dates so you have a clear head and don’t act idiotic—but that’s another blog)
- He has zero social skills.
I’m not talking about “game” here or even charm, it’s just plain awkward the entire date! There are long gaps in between their conversation. He doesn’t seem interested in her. When he does talk out loud, it’s about the bygone days when he was overweight and pimply. This guy can barely get out a sentence because he’s so insecure, which he wasn’t in the business realm. I wanted to crawl through the screen and rescue him! Clearly he lacks communication skills with women, which can be learned. If painful shyness with the opposite sex is an issue for you, seek counseling and find a good dating coach.
The date ended with him asking her out again and she declined. I’m amazed she made it to dessert. Dater#1 I am rooting for you. You just a few dating skills!
Dater #2
This guy is also a wealthy New York real estate broker. He’s very attractive and he knows it—horribly arrogant and boastful—and I want to vomit watching him get his “game” on. He too is well dressed and appears intelligent, sneaky and of low moral character. The girl he meets for dinner is bursting out of her low cut dress. She is overtly sexual and I honestly thought, despite his douchiness, that she was pretty trashy even for him.
Here’s What Went Wrong:
- Bad Manners!
He’s late. By the time he arrives she’s already had a few cocktails. Now maybe he planned that because she’s raring to go? He also takes phone calls during the date—LAME! He checks out other women who walk by and even slyly asks another one out when she’s not looking. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
- He has an Agenda
Must I spell it out for you? This is a high class hook-up. It felt like a college frat party swapping out the solo cups for a good wine and lovely ambiance. It wasn’t about meeting someone new or treating another human being with dignity and respect. This was about sex. Period.
- He doesn’t respect women
Guys, if this is your issue—because you are damaged by a bad relationship, or numbed out from porn, try and limit the collateral damage of women you take out until you get some healing. Find a counselor, get your heart right with God and when you can see women as valuable once again, then try dating.
Their date ended up with sex in the limo. Her clothes were off before the door was shut and they had to fuzz it out of the screen.
I’m guessing he calls the other girl from the restaurant in the morning.
Have you had a bad first date experience?
A Boyfriend for Christmas
I watched my favorite cheesy Christmas treat last night–the Hallmark Channel movie de jour…”A Boyfriend for Christmas.”
(It reminded me of a low-budget Bridget Jones movie)
But the movie–despite the terrible scripting–struck a chord. I remember, all too well, the holidays I spent as a post-30 single, and I certainly wasn’t above begging Santa for a good man.
What is it about Christmas that makes being single more challenging? All of a sudden the pressure seems bigger. It’s like Christmas is an unofficial marking system that we all fail to measure up to–another year, no boyfriend, check–naughty list for you missy!
It’s even a little scary flying solo at some of these events. There’s the numerous holiday parties where we are accosted by well-meaning friends (who have someone special they just have to introduce you to), the crazy office party (do you bring a friend or brave the drunk VP alone?), and then to top it off, your nosy extended family who just can’t believe another year has gone by that you still aren’t married) and they talk it about it very loudly in the same room with you as if you aren’t even there).
I will never forget the first Christmas I spent as a single divorced mom. I ran into Target to get a few last-minute items for the kid’s stockings. I was in sweaty workout clothes, no makeup, ratty pony-tail—you get the picture—and I run into the super-geek of my childhood who tormented me from second grade to graduation with his puppy-dog devotion.
Of course, now he was a relatively attractive attorney (no longer chubby and annoying) with his lovely fiancé who thought he was AMAZING.
Now I was the awkward single chick at Christmas with no special someone to kiss under the mistletoe.
Ouch!
So how do you navigate the holidays as a single with all the pressure caving in around you?
Here are some tips:
Don’t settle for just anyone to fill the boyfriend/girlfriend shoes. Research from the University of Toronto suggests that the fear of being single causes both men and women to settle for less in romantic relationships.
“Sometimes they stay in relationships they aren’t happy in, and sometimes they want to date people who aren’t very good for them,” states psychology researcher Stephanie Spielmann about the study published in the December edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “Now we understand that people’s anxieties about being single seem to play a key role in these types of unhealthy relationship behaviors.”
Expect the Family Interrogation (and Neutralize It!)
You buy kitty litter because you know cat poop stinks. Do the same with the family questions. Expect the tough questions, know they will bite and prepare with some pre-planned responses to neutralize the assault.
Instead of getting defensive, respond to the “Why are you still single question?” with lighthearted humor. Tell them, ‘I’m working hard on it, you got any tips grandma?” And then sit back and chuckle with what she comes up with.
Focus on the Positive
I look back on that Christmas and recognize that although my single status didn’t FEEL good, I was still very blessed! And I certainly wasn’t alone. I had good friends, a loving family, and my children were healthy. God was working on my broken-heart, I had a good job and enough food to eat and moneyto blow at Target on trinkets for my kiddos. Although it was not everything I had dreamed of, it was still pretty amazing put into the right perspective.
When we throw a pity party and feel sorry for ourselves, we rob ourselves of the joy God gives us in this day and this moment.
Remember that where you are at now is not a forever status. Seasons change, relationships ebb and flow and life has a way of always surprising you.
And so if you run into an old childhood friend this Christmas at Target who is now married with three kids, (and your insides churn with envy) take a deep breath, give them a high-five and bless them. Because the truth is, your blessing may be just around the corner.
RE:DATE: Love Sex and Dating – What God has to say about it…
It’s that Fall time of year again, which means football, more football and CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DATING (for when you DVR your football).
Tim and I (Samantha) want to personally invite you to a new dating series we are starting.
It’s called:
RE:DATE: Love Sex and Dating – What God has to say about it…
Mariners Church will be hosting this conversation on love, sex and dating. We’ll be discussing God’s intent for our relationships and take a look at dating in our post-Christian culture.
Join us on Sunday, October 6th from 4-6pm in the Upper Room for our kick-off at Mariners Church.
Our plan is to meet EVERY other week for a total of four DATING CONVERSATIONS. Scheduling details will be shared at kick-off.
Location: Mariners Irvine | Upper Room, 5001 Newport Coast Drive, Irvine, CA US 92603
Download: Download Event
Contact Pastor Tim with questions.
Can’t wait to see you there!
Are you a Codependent Dater?
We throw around the word “codependent” to describe the clingy couple or the woman who makes excuses for her husband’s bad behavior. But do we really know and recognize the patterns that lead to a codependent relationship?
What if true codependence looked like some of the bad habits we (gasp!) display in relationships?
“Though there are many different versions of codependence, they all share the same underlying problem: They try to control their partner and they aren’t comfortable on their own.”–Dr. Seth Meyers
I can hear you now…”I’m not controlling, or “I’m not a passive control freak” in dating. And while it may not be your issue, it couldn’t hurt to ask yourself a few simple questions:
- Were you raised with a family member battling addiction?
- Were you the peacemaker in a family of contention?
- Do you try to control your environment –obsessive cleanliness or order?
- Do you find yourself compensating for other’s bad behavior?
Once we identify the red flags in our past brokeness we can change the cycles that seem to inevitably repeat themselves in each new relationship.
But where do we get started?
Dr. Seth Myer’s Love Prescription deconstructs the patterns of Relationship Repetition Syndrome -what we like to call the insanity cycle- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
The following article shares great insight on codependent couples and how to break these pesky and unhealthy behaviors.
Enjoy…
The term “codependent” emerged as a way to describe the relationship dynamic between an addict and his or her emotional caretaker. For example, Person A has a habit of getting too drunk, passing out, and arriving late to work the next day, so Person B tries to do everything possible to keep Person A on-track. Person B tries to control the behavior of Person A not out of spite or malice but to help keep the relationship functional. The caretaker’s fear is that, without their help, Person B will set off on a downward spiral that leads to more problems – sickness, the end of the relationship, a lost job, or even death.
In a codependent relationship, both individuals are codependent – not just one, no matter how extreme one member of the couple may seem to be. In the example above, the person who drinks too much depends on the caretaker to clean up their messes, both literal and figurative; the caretaker depends on the person who drinks too much to need him or her in order to survive. No one in a codependent relationship is truly happy. When the codependent attaches to someone and the relationship gets bad, the codependent feels unable to leave his or her partner. Instead, he, like all codependents, will stay because the alternative of being alone is too threatening.
See, the M.O. of the codependent is to avoid separation at all costs. This approach requires that the codependent abandon his own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. In other words, he loses himself. Over time, the term “codependent” has expanded to include couples in which there is fear around separations and attempts to control each other’s behavior. I will give you another example below of what a codependent relationship looks like. READ MORE
–Samantha and Tim
For more resources, READ: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Codependent No More is the kind of book that can become your friend, one you can keep on the nightstand and leaf through every few days for a tune-up. The book includes a chapter on anger which is especially helpful, as many codependents swallow their anger and need to learn how to express it appropriately.
Dr. Seth Meyers has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
What 81% of Singles are Not Looking For
Sometimes we think everyone wants the same things we do. We ERRONEOUSLY believe people, even good Christian folks, go on dates to look for a lifelong partner. We think everyone wants a “Happily Ever After.”
Think again. New research is revealing only 19% of daters are looking for a person to marry.
Youza! If this is true, then about 81% of the matches we get online are looking for something else.
Here are the results of the study taken from Top Dating Tips
For me, dating is mainly about….. ?
1. Love 21%
2. Marriage 19%
3. Friendship 8%
4. Partnership 6%
5. Sex 19%
6. Company 3%
7. Social life 3%
8. Romance 12%
9. Conversation 3%
10. Sharing 6%
Have you ever dated more than one person simultaneously ?
1. Yes 53%
2. No 33%
3. Don’t Know 13%
Would you like to get married ?
1.) Yes 44%
2.) No 12%
3.) Maybe 32%
4.) Not again 4%
5.) Don’t know 8%
Where is the best place to meet new people ?
1.) Bar 18%
2.) Club 11%
3.) Beach 4%
4.) Church 2%
5.) Social club 4%
6.) Mall 4%
7.) Internet 18%
8.) Work 22%
9.) Sport 7%
10.) Other 9%
So why do you date?
Hope-less-ness
Hope-less-ness
Sometimes this word seems synonymous with single. So many women come up to me week after week struggling with this emotion.
Sam, does God care about my loneliness?
Does he see my heart’s desire for a relationship?
Does God know I am losing hope?
And I remember those emotions all too well. I struggled with them too. The ache of going to bed alone night after night without a husband is still near to my heart. I wondered if I would ever experience a happy marital relationship again. Would I ever be free from the nagging insecurity of being a single mom?
God broke through my struggle a few years after my divorce. After too many bad experiences to count, I threw up my hands and surrendered my dating life.
Jesus take the dating wheel.
It was a simple but profound decision to let go and let God.
I finally stopped looking for a husband and started focusing more on Christ and His will for my life. I leaned into my calling as a mother, provider and minister of Jesus. And when I eventually put myself back out in the dating realm (many months later), I was a different person.
My focus shifted drastically from a ravenous man-hunt to a thirsty God hunt and I finally felt freedom from the overwhelming ache in my soul.
God wants you to operate in this freedom as a single person and not only that, he wants to use your newfound freedom to build into His kingdom. He has called you and set you apart to serve “regarding the things of the Lord.”
In 1 Cor. 7:34 Paul recognizes the unique opportunity single people have to focus their time, talents and energy on serving the Lord. Now, as a single parent this might mean focusing on more on raising Godly kids or maybe it’s taking the time to serve foster kids.
Either way, God does not want you wasting your precious moments dreaming about your wedding day. He wants to use you AND ALL YOUR GIFTS until he creates your wedding day.
I met my husband working in the church bookstore. Our first conversation was a feisty debate about a seminary book. If I had not pursued the things I felt called too –service and seminary, I never would have met my sweet man.
Ask yourself…
- Do you have a sense of calling and a mission for your life?
- Do you have a passion that motivates you to get out of bed in the morning with a smile?
- Is there an area in your life God is whispering for you to pursue?
Living in freedom is a choice. And HOPE-ful is one dating decision away.
–Samantha
