Drive-through Dating

August 23, 2012 By

Even though we know certain things are bad for us, many of us are a glutton for punishment. 

I, for one, have a love/hate relationship with Diet Coke.  I know it’s rotten for me, probably causing cancer and corroding my teeth sip by sip, and yet once or twice a week in a moment of weakness I drink my sweet poison and thoroughly enjoy it.

Apparently, most people date in the same fashion. 

Best Dating Practices

Psychologists and sociologists agree that courtship’s based on infatuation and physical chemistry tend to fizzle out fast, because they fail to allow the relationship to evolve at a natural pace.

On the other hand, couples who build anticipation and focus on fostering a partnership rather than accelerating it are associated with more enduring satisfaction.

But even though we know rushing a relationship is bad for us, couples often jump in the sack and drink the sweet poison of a failed relationship before they allow it to begin and flourish.

Our desire for immediate gratification is killing our relationships.

So how quickly are we jumping into relationships?  Pretty quick if you look at the research…

Dating Reality

A recent study by SeekingArrangement.com polled 100,000 people to find the average length of their romantic milestones in dating relationships.

“Participants in the new study revealed the average number of dates per week with a new partner was two, meaning that couples tend to say ‘I love you’ seven weeks into a relationship. First kisses tend to take place two dates or one week into the dating process, and the first time a couple has sex is, on average, after four dates to two weeks.”

Introducing a girlfriend or boyfriend to friends and family took members an average of six weeks, and moving in with a partner averaged out at around 30 weeks into dating.

In a culture of drive-through sex, are we surprised at skyrocketing divorce rates when we can’t even wait until the third date to hook up?

A Different Approach?

But there is another way?

What if we postponed sex to BUILD a great relationship.

Most young people don’t think purity is possible.  I get it, because I used to be a skeptic too. 

Until, I gave it a shot and by God’s grace ended up in the relationship of my dreams.

Just because you’ve already had sex or lived a life of promiscuity, doesn’t mean the next relationship can’t be different. 

–Samantha

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Maybe it’s time to try something new? 

Photo credit: Love/couple Ginnie Joubert via Pinterest

Sources:

Psychology Today.”The Colors of Love.” March/April 1993: 36.

Research Study by: Seeking Arrangement.com

Filed Under: Dating Tagged With: , , , ,

Buddymoon or Honeymoon?

August 23, 2012 By

My husband and I always have the same conversation at weddings.

“Sex or purity?” my husband whispers.

I carefully examine the bride.  If she scowls or looks grumpy, it’s a no brainer-“sex.”  If she cries walking down the aisle, I know immediately –“sex.” But if she floats down on cloud nine, gallops down with a goofy grin, or smiles like a Cheshire cat it’s just as obvious –“no sex” I exclaim.

It’s a gift I have, this radar for purity and wantonness (possibly because I’ve worn both pairs of shoes).

I can always tell at weddings if the couple has already consummated the relationship.  In marriages where sex is as common as brushing teeth, or better yet –flossing, the wedding is the denouement or the culmination of the relationship. 

These are the “bridezillas” who display a freakish sense of control over every tiny detail.  And it has to be perfect because the big day is about as good as it gets for her.

But for the bride who has a honeymoon to look forward to, a real honeymoon with a slow deliberate unveiling, a full vacation of exploring her beloved’s body, and a once in a lifetime retreat to connect physically with a man she has yearned and waited for, the wedding is just a step towards a new life together.

All things are fresh and new to the couple who has waited to have sex. But I remember all too well, waking up the day after I married my first husband. 

My exorbitantly overpriced bridal frock was crumpled on the chair, the carriage carted off and the ice sculptures melted along with my enthusiasm.  I thought I would feel differently once married, and I did, somewhat, but the disparity was more of an anticlimactic disappointment.  

And so to compensate for the lack of awesomeness a honeymoon used to symbolize, the new trend according to the New York Times, is to take a “buddymoon “and bring the family and friends along.

W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist and the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia notes…

“Today, when about 65 percent of couple’s cohabitate prior to marriage, the honeymoon is less likely to be a major turning point in their relationship,” said Professor Wilcox.  “For them, I think having friends come along is less of a big deal and in some ways makes it more of a special and exceptional occasion.”

By taking the “honey” out of honeymoon, couples enter marriage already bored enough with each other to need outside entertainment.  Thus they need “buddies” to get them through the hump of spending one week alone with the person they have just chosen to spend the rest of their lives with.

And this new trend makes me sad.

I think we –as a culture are losing a precious rite of passage by robbing OURSELVES of a once in a lifetime opportunity to revel in our spouse. 

Tim and I treasured our three-week honeymoon to the Mediterranean.  We loved, we laughed and we made new and amazing friends, who as fellow honeymooners shared our fledgling memories.

I believe in my heart that part of the reason my first relationship didn’t work out is because we didn’t hold our purity in high regard.  Because we had sex prior to marriage, it clearly made it easier for my ex-husband to have sex with someone else while we were married.  With God’s grace, I got a second chance to do it right and chose purity for my relationship with Tim…and it changed everything.

The second time around, I practically ran down the aisle (dragging my dad) to join my groom.  People commented they had never seen a smile as big and bright as my beam.  I didn’t notice the flower arch met an untimely crack, or the misplaced name cards or any of the other minor details that were far from perfect. 

All I saw was my honey.  And no offense to my buddies, but we did just fine without you.

–Samantha

Would you consider a buddymoon?

Filed Under: Sex Tagged With: , , , , ,

Old School Flirting

August 9, 2012 By
 

Dating Differently

Trying to date differently in a culture where sex reigns supreme is difficult to say the least, which is why we believe it’s time to consider bringing back a few of the more traditional modes of affection which seems to have disappeared with Happy Days as modern promiscuity rolled on in.

Christian dating can be immensely pleasurable if you make it less about what you are missing out on and instead focus on what you will gain. 

Here are a few goodies we think are worth revisiting!

Words of Affirmation

I’ll never forget the poetry my husband wrote me when we were dating.  The man was so smitten he burst out in smiles, song and sonnets.  But part of this verbal expression was due to the reality of holding back in the physical realm.  Because we weren’t physically intimate it forced Tim to express his love in more cerebral ways.

The Look

If the eyes are the window to our souls, then let’s pull out those peepers from behind the shades and use them to show “the one” you dig how much you like them. 

Ladies, how about batting those lovely lashes?  Gaze down demurely at your date and then look up him like a doe-eyed Bambi?  Give him the look that says, “Are you man enough to wait for this hotness?”

Guys, how about the direct look of intention, longing and desire that makes a woman weak in her knees?  Think Zoolander and then do exactly the opposite!

(When Tim and I were dating and he looked at me like this I panted…) 

Holding Hands

Why oh why has this one disappeared?  When Tim and I went on our first few dates, before the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, he would often pick up my hand and play with my fingers.  The touch of this man who I deeply desired felt like a million bolts of electricity surging through my body. 

Guys, take her hand and try caressing it.  Don’t turn into a mini hand-sex thing; just give her didgets some sweet finger cuddles.  It’s innocent and fun and with the right girl –almost as good as sex (ok, not so much but still worth trying in the interim).

Try taking a long walk, picking up her hand and communicating your affection with a love language that represents support, unity, respect and relationship.

The Nuzzle

Long before I got my first kiss, Tim would lean in and very close to my face, whisper in my ear or nuzzle my cheek.  Again, I went bananas (inside of course).  When you take away the big sex stuff, the little stuff takes on much deeper meaning. 

The First Kiss

Some Christians believe in not kissing while dating.  We don’t fall into that camp.  We believe once you are in a committed relationship moving towards marriage, kissing just might be the best way to spend an evening.  Watch some movie, kiss, more movie, kiss…

The only problem with kissing is how easily it morphs into making out and full body hugs and the next thing you know the two of you have to be pulled apart with a crow bar.  So, be cautious when kissing turns into renting a hotel room. 

Tim and I didn’t drink while we were dating because Tim knew his limits and understood he couldn’t control himself physically around me after a few glasses of wine.

We also had a self-imposed curfew and sometimes Tim just got up and ran home like Joseph.  I didn’t even know he was struggling until he called me from his car.

Remember the movie Pretty Woman?  Julia Roberts, who played a prostitute wouldn’t kiss her clients because it was too intimate of an act.  I get that.

It’s because kissing means something.  It communicates affection and tenderness or conversely greed or selfishness.  Kissing sends a million different messages.

Save your first kiss far beyond the obligatory walk to the front door at the end of the first date.  Wait a few weeks, or gasp, a month.  Make it mean something special. 

And then kiss your boyfriend and girlfriend every single day to discover if you have chemistry and connection. 

Do you have any old school methods to communicate affection without sex?

–Samantha

Photo Credit:  Source: kissssing.blogspot.com via Jesse on Pinterest

Filed Under: Sex Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Guys, Dating and Literotica

August 9, 2012 By
 

The Popularity of Literotica

We’re always on the lookout for new and quirky dating material.  When we stumbled upon Christian Hudson’s new book the Girlfriend Activation System, the hair on our necks prickled in revulsion.  Just for clarity, Hudson’s book is compelling to us from a social research perspective, but we are not promoting or recommending it. 

We do want to address his method for attracting women though.

Hudson’s book is based on the theory that women have a built-in “obsessive story” gene which he identified in the popularity of “literotica.”  Basically, the guy looked at how women are enthralled with books like 50 Shades of Gray and came up with a systematic plan for guys to land a girlfriend.

His plan involves conflict and romance and as far as we are concerned a huge dose of manipulation.  It reminds me of the movie “Hitch,” where Will Smith plays a dating expert and guides men into landing the woman of their dreams –only it backfires when women realize they have been played the fool.

Fake or Real?

A guy might argue women use manipulation themselves by creating a facade they never intend to maintain.  And rightly so, this reeks of striving and image management.  But whether it is men using this plan or a woman –anytime we base a dating approach based on deception it is bound to fail. 

And the failure might not even be seen in the dating realm but later sneaks up in marriage (and then divorce). 

The biggest problem with Hudson’s theory goes much deeper than the surface.  Hudson’s strategy just might work if a guy is willing (and financially able)to meet a woman’s innate need for rescuing, but the problem is that only God can ever truly meet these needs for a woman long-term. 

Playing God?

And when a guy tries to play God to land a hot chick he is meandering onto a minefield.

Guys, do you really want to have to try to be the end-all and be-all to a woman for the rest of your life?  Wouldn’t you rather allow God to be her savior and simply be yourself –a real man, imperfect and flawed but loved for yourself and not some fake image you have created.

Romance is great when it’s genuine and motivated by the heart.  But once a woman has been lavished with attention…good luck in backing off.  It sounds like a recipe for one bitter wife.

High Expectations usually make for one big dissapointment. 

Christian Dating Needs to be Different

Women do have a need to be rescued.  God put it there to draw women to himself.  He didn’t put it there for a guy to step into that role.

We think there should be an addendum chapter to his book –How to tell your new wife who you really are, now that you have duped her into marriage with your pseudo James Bond.

What do you think? 

 

Photo Credit:  Source: google.com via Jacy on Pinterest

Filed Under: Dating Tagged With: , , , , ,

Duped Dating? Waiting and Waiting and Waiting for Marriage

June 27, 2012 By

Postponing Marriage

We have a thirteen-year old son.  Imagine if we sat down with him and told him he probably wouldn’t get married until he was at least thirty years old (or older according to the world’s standards of success) and because he is a good Christian boy we fully expect him to postpone his sexual desires for the next seventeen plus years. 

Now our son who is entering his freshman year in high school is already highly attracted to the ladies, so to get him to buy into this preposterous idea of postponing his sexual desire for seventeen years is absurd. He would more than likely laugh in our face or maybe behind a closed door just to be respectful.

Do We Really Have to Have Life all Figured Out?

But this is the reality of what we are asking Christian singles to do every day.  The world tells us to wait and postpone marriage until we have our college loans paid off, money in the bank, an illustrious career and a home complete with a large mortgage.  But how many young people out of college are in this situation?  None!  And so we wait, and wait and wait some more until we wake up one day and realize we aren’t getting any younger, all the good ones are gone, and we have still yet to achieve the elusive dream of getting our act together.

The result is a generation of single Christians left frustrated by their uncontrollable sexual appetites and inability to control their impulses who feel like somehow they missed out on something good along the way. 

Denying Our Sexual Nature

Martin Luther in his 16th century Estate of Marriage identified this very dilemma of denying or postponing our sexual nature as he witnessed how young men and women attempting to make a celibate vow for the purpose of following Jesus fell into uncontrollable secret sins. 

“For this word which God speaks, “Be fruitful and multiply,” is not a command. It is more than a command, namely, a divine ordinance which it is not our prerogative to hinder or ignore. Rather, it is just as necessary as the fact that I am a man, and more necessary than sleeping and waking, eating and drinking, and emptying the bowels and bladder. It is a nature and disposition just as innate as the organs involved in it.  Therefore, just as God does not command anyone to be a man or a woman but creates them the way they have to be, so he does not command them to multiply but creates them so that they have to multiply. And wherever men try to resist this, it remains irresistible nonetheless and goes its way through fornication, adultery, and secret sins, for this is a matter of nature and not of choice.”

We aren’t saying it’s impossible to wait until middle age and remain sexually pure –in fact we have a dear friend who made it until the ripe age of forty-two and maintained his virginity until he shared his bed with his beloved bride, but he is far more of an anomaly than the norm for Christians who struggle daily with the temptation of masturbation, pornography and addiction to romance novels.

What if we were actually designed to marry young?  What if we didn’t have to have life all figured out before marriage?  What if we had a partner and best friend to help us navigate the often treacherous roads of life?
 
–Tim

Photo: Dark Lady via Lemon on Pinterest

Filed Under: Dating Tagged With: , , ,
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